


Laurens wouldn't wait for it!

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Henry Laurens' A+ Parenting, Hurt/Comfort, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Violence, Slice of Life, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-01-18 20:58:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 23,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12396111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Laurens and Alex are friends.And then, they're not.But you can't ignore love anyway, that's masochistic.My response to those fics where John is sad, well, here he refuses to do so.Completed!





	1. Wait, there has to be more!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laurens told Alexander a horrendous, terrible and unbearable truth.  
> Laurens thinks everything is over between them, but they live pretty near, and John will not let this end so sharply. "Alex, wait, I don't like this ending!"

There's no going back, not after you think that you've done all you can. ''That's a shitty way of comforting yourself'' That's what Alex would say, after all, for him there was never an ''all'' you could fulfill. There was always more. That gave Laurens some hope, because he could go back and fix things; he was going to. He turned off the T.V, the lights, picked up the broken pieces of glass, checked the gas, the oven (just in case). He was slowly realizing he was trying to delay his mission. ''No, come on, just...just do it, like the commercial says, right?". A bit nervous, he took his keys, shot the door as fast as he could, and went to the basement running before he regrets or wanted to check on, What else could he check on? Oh Shit, his phone. "At least having called Alex before arriving to his place would have been convenient, you ass''. He wasn't going up to his apartment again and risk getting trapped back up there. John just sat on his bike and rode with only one command on his head "A's home, A's home", because if he permits himself any other thought, he would first throw up on the thoroughfare between their houses, and then kick his bike and cry. Yep, that's probably what would happen.

 

"Alex's home, faster, faster".

 

He parked the bike on the middle of the front yard. Herc hated that; every time that Laurens visited them, Herc would point out how hard he had worked on the little chamomiles, and how delicate they are, and how an specific bike could easily kill them; He would never admitted out loud that he hated it, but he did. At the moment John didn't think of it, actually, he hasn't think about anything since his arrival, nor about what to say to him, or who would open the door. He got to Alex's home, mission completed, Now what? '"It isn't even his house, it has always been more Hercules's than Alexander's". He remembered one time that they were planning a party and he asked "In Alex's place?" But before anyone could agree, Alex said slightly hushed

 

 

\- U know, I'll have to ask Herc first, he's the actual owner of the house-.

 

-Don't you live there too?- asked Peggy a little annoyed, she probably thought it was an excuse to throw it at her place again, but Alex explained himself,

 

\- He let's me pay for a room but it's not my place. Of course he'll agree to the party, but I still wanna ask him-.

Laurens felt bad at that moment for not knowing that. How didn't it occurred to him that Alexander could never afford a house like that, not even shared, not ever with the poor salary he earned working on the library. While thinking of it, John felt bad again, like he wasn't respecting Alexanders' feelings. What was he truly trying to do standing in front of the door? Save a friendship from which he would never feel fulfilled? A forced second chance? He just wanted to make things clear between them, to be honest. He wanted to bring everything to normal, to the cozy mornings where they fell asleep the night before making school work and watching some nature documentary on the T.V that Laurens would put on an effort to get Alex to rest, to stop worrying about everything, because he put his heart on all he does, and that made John admire him, and also fear for him. He would get so angry when something wouldn't work out for him, and Laurens would be there with a nice cup of coffee, ready to help him in any way he can.

 

Yes, he definitely missed that, and now he got the second part of his mission very clear on his head:

 

"Get those days back".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...I´ve already posted this but in different parts of the same series, so I just put them all together!


	2. Do you remember the Trevol Trial Park? No..okay, I'll help you remember.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John recalls a once sweet memory that, without Alex, doesn't seem so sweet.

Laurens waited in the front door around 2 minutes, maybe 3 minutes. He didn't know what time it was, but he supposed it was four or five in the morning, since the sun's reflection started to appear behind the mountains. He looked around, stopped the urge of smiling, and decided to take his bike up and ride out of there. He used to be impulsive and take radical decisions, but those times when he did that, things barely ended as he wanted. If he really wished to "take those days back" he had to do something well planned, he needed to think. He'll need help from someone that knows how to wait, and the name came pretty quickly to his mouth. He pronounced it slowly- Burr would do.-as the bike made it's way to the shortcut that leads to the quiet Trevol Trial Park. He'll talk to Burr, but later, first he had to think how to approach him without looking so needy, or Burr could take advantage of him...somehow. "That sounds stupid" He thought, but Laurens didn't really trust the guy, nobody did, but he was the one that could help him.

 

John rode his bike slowly, he wasn't going back to his home, he knew how depressed he could get in that place full of "mental pictures and ugly crying" (as Laff referred to his own family's house once he was explaining why he would never go back to France). Right now he felt determined, strong; he had to take use of those feelings while they lasted, so he could come up with a plan he could follow. Things were always easier for him if he was just following orders, it made him feel secure, that there's no need to think, just to act; because "you have already done all the thinking, now just go for it!". After all, he's the kind of man that follows orders fast, not that thinks fast. Well, now he had to both of those things.

 

When he arrived to the park, he threw his bike as he got off, kicking it a little -he had to stop doing that- and got in the forest-like place. He didn't know it's real name, the place probably didn't deserved a real name, after all it was a lonely, narrow park, dark by all the thick trees around, making it very hard for the early morning light to go through. The place was so hidden, that John felt so thrilled when Alex found out about it:

 

 

 

-I've lived here my whole life and never seen it! How did you find it?- John asked him when they arrived to his apartment, right after Alex led him by the hand -not that he needed to remember that- through the new place he found on his way to the university.

 

Alex responded proudly, his hands on his waist as he used to do when lecturing his dear friend- John, you have to know your surroundings if you want to take the most of it-.

After that day, they would always take that path if they had spare time, because it wasn't an actual shortcut, more like the contrary of a shortcut, but it was nice. They liked laying on the grass, sometimes they even talked:

 

 

 

-Don't eat that- John said once, when Alex was munching a clover and just staring at the leafy ceiling.

 

-Why not? It tastes like lemon, don't you want some?- said Alex with a grin while throwing grass to his friend.

 

-Hey! stop it,- said John with an unstoppable smile,- I don't wanna be covered in dirt before class!-.

Of course Alex didn't stopped, neither did he. A little dirt fight before going to the U wasn't one of their best ideas, but what could they do now? After a few minutes of laughter and fake offended faces, they were back on the grass. Interrupting the soundly breaths coming from both of them, John said:

 

 

 

-Clovers have an anticoagulant component. Once in the farm, the land got covered in clovers, and my dad told me to help the workers to cut them out. I asked why, and they explained to me that the cattle could bleed to death by a little wound if they had eaten the clovers.-

When John turned his head to look at Alex, who was resting with his mouth a little open, eyes closed, and said with some fun on his voice:

 

 

 

\- Are you concerned of me, Laurens?- then, a bit more serious, he continued -I wont die for eating a clover, that's just stupid-.

After that, they just stayed there in quiet. John didn't want to be dramatic about it, but he knew Alex didn't like to think about death, not afraid of dying, but afraid of not leaving something behind, of dying without having done all he could, all he wanted. Alex then let a dumb laugh break the tension,

 

 

 

\- Should we try?-. He was now standing on his elbows and starring at John.

 

-Try what?-said him, a little nervous. "Alex changes his mood pretty fast, take note of that" He thought for himself.

 

-Duh, the one that eat more clovers and don't 'bleed to death' wins.- Said Alex with mockery.

John told him that it was a serious matter, a lot of cows could die because of it. Alex just took it as a joke, and subsequently, every time they passed around there, Alex would say "Oh, look! A clover! Do not fear John, I'll save you". And without warning, they started to call the place "Trevol Trial Park".

 

Right now, standing in the middle of the place made him recall those memories of Alex's face full of light dots from the sky, fragments of dust flying through the air. Yes, he was getting emotional, but the park was so dreamy then. Now it seemed darker, with a foggy mist, like the perfect place to sell drugs or kill someone and never be noticed.

 

It wasn't so nice without Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "trebol" means clover in Spanish. Of course Laurens doesn't know that, so he just heard Alex say it and thinks it is written with a V.


	3. My phone is dead for a couple of hours, and so am I.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John finally gets back home, just to find a bunch of messages that probably wont let him sleep.

"Well, think, Think, THINK" John was now laying on his back, munching the clovers around him, still unaware of the time, especially on that dark place that wouldn't let him guess the hour of the day by the sun position. In that place it could always be just early morning all the time. At least he hoped so, he didn't wanted to get up, to get home, to go on. Because he felt lost, that's why he needed to think, Think, THINK.

 

But he wasn't the thinking type. Alexander was. Both of them made such a great team! He felt funny, he wanted Alex to help him get Alex back. "Dumb, don't try to get him back, respect his decision". But he was unsure that Alex had rejected him because he didn't wanted him in that way. He remembered the night before, when he let himself be impulsive and say everything that he's always wanted to say. Alex's face was mute, he didn't take his eyes from John, not even blinked, just stood there, and then almost crying he said

 

\- I need some time alone, Okay?- and basically run. John couldn't ask him anything else, but something in that stare told him something that Alex just wasn't able to formulate at that moment.

"What do you want, Laurens?", he imagined in Alex's voice. "That you weren't so proud". Because indeed, Alexander had been proud, but John didn't make it easy for him either, much less when he was aware that shouting "HAMILTON!" in that angry tone would just reopen an unhealed wound which only he knew about, that unless Alex had also told Jefferson about it. "Don't get angry again", John wished he wasn't so violent and so anxious, what a bad combination. He moved on the grass so he lays on his left shoulder and hugged his knees. "Thanks God nobody is around, it would be a funny image...some kid in a fetal position, eating clovers in the verge of crying". He stood up quickly as he pictured himself like that, "How pathetic, this is not a tragedy, you're just confused, go home and figure things out". He did.

 

Leaving that nightmarish place has never been so satisfying.

 

As he arrived, the first thing he did was to check his phone, but it had run out of battery, so he charged it. In the meanwhile, he went to the bathroom and saw the clock. "5:58 a.m. So I took my good time on Trevol Trial, Uh?". Exhausted, he cleaned his hair from some leaves and dirt that made their way through it; after trying very hard he realized that a shower was the only solution. He put the hot water on full. John used to do that when he was feeling down. He liked the smell of his shampoo, it was a baby's brand, but it was cheaper than the others, so he didn't care. As he finished, he looked at the fuzzy reflection on the misted mirror, so he cleared it with a towel. Sadly, his reflection still looked fussy. While looking at himself, he saw his hair reaching his armpits; he wanted to cut it, but he hadn't yet, because, and oh he was so stupid, he liked when Alex combed it with his fingers. At the feeling, his urge for a cut grew eager. On his way to the room, in search of some clothing, he found out how tired he felt, so he decided to wear just a shirt and boxers, Laurens definitely wasn't in the mood for going to the university today, "And running into Alex? Or worse, Jefferson? Yeah, no thank you". He remembered his phone and turned it on. The first message he opened was Hercules'

 

"11:49 p.m. Ham wont come home, is he staying at your place?."

 

"11:49 p.m. Wont take my calls. U were with him right??"

So Alex didn't get back to home... The other messages weren't better:

 

"12:11 a.m. Hey, I just wanted to tell you that Alex left me a voicemail saying that he's not coming home, but"

 

"12:11 a.m. But his voice sounded a bit funny. R u at the bar?

That was all that Herc had sent to him. He should call him, but first he wanted to see the other messages, some from an unknown number:

 

"1:37 a.m. Heyy!!! Alex is with me."

 

"1:38 a.m. He wanted me to text u n' I was like, Surely not, but then he looked so angry, and well, here I am."

 

"1:38 a.m. Hehe, Laurens, also tell Mulligan that he's staying with me."

"Who the fuck is this?" Obviously John knew, but he didn't want to believe that Alexander could be so childish to make Jefferson text him just to provoke him.  "Hamilton had to be drunk to do this to me". John felt angry, sad, and also...betrayed. Alex knew how much he disagreed about his relationship with Jefferson, and after that night he knew exactly why. Alex also reopened some wounds; of course, knowing Alex, he's the kind that always returns the hit.

 

But never the kind that betrays. John felt sick, "How could he do that?" said out loud, voice cracking, knuckles white. "I had to hurt him really bad for him responding that way", He said with a little voice, eyes red, knees on the floor. He really had done some mess, and he didn't wanted to let those tears fall, oh no, that would mean that he is admin defeat, right? All he could remember was his dad telling him not to cry, that it is just a waste of time, that you had to act now. He stired up his face with his hands and sat on the bed. Laurens still had some messages to read. Peggy wrote to him:

 

"10:23 p.m. Remember, the presentation is tomorrow, please don't forget the USB! And thank you so much!".

Right, the 11:00 a.m. class. He and Peggy had been working on a presentation for her class of Histoembryology I. Peggy needed to pass this subject, or else she would lose this term. She specifically told him:

 

-Hey John, I saw that Biology and Medicine get to share this class- she said while pointing it out on the piece of paper she was showing him.

 

-...Histoembryology?- John asked.

 

-...Yas, that thing, so...I really need some help with this presentation and since you're so good on biology and stuff, I wanted to know if, well, if is nor much of a problem...-. She started to mumble so John had to cut her,

 

-Sure, is okay. Send me the USB and I'll help filling in whatever wholes I see- John wanted to be nice to her, she was just a freshman...freshwoman? And even though he was just one semester ahead of her, he thought it would be nice to get some help when you're new and lost.

So, he had to go to the U anyway. At least now it seem very unlikely to find Alex there, after all he was maybe dealing with a hangover, so that was a plus. It was 6:15 a.m. He could get some sleep and then go. He crawled into the cold blankets, and while he waited for them to get warm, he checked the last message on his phone, it was a voicemail from...well, from the unknown number. He just deleted it, he really needed to sleep.


	4. Where´s my family from? Unimportant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laurens thinks too much, but at least finds what he is supposed to do after that ugly fight with Alex!  
> Angelica helps him, and he recalls Alexanders life, understanding this complicated but precious man a bit more.  
> Also, John likes to think that Alex and him are like family...or something.

Laurens wouldn't have been able to sleep that morning if it wasn't for all that heavy feelings he had been carrying on his shoulders, that he is carrying on his shoulders the whole time. When he woke up at 10:20 a.m. he just hit the skip alarm on his phone and continued sleeping. It sounded again, at 10:25 a.m. and this time he did woke up. He felt on automatic the whole morning. He didn't shower, just dressed as fast as he could and took all he needed for the day: books, check; keys, check; Peggy's super important USB, check; phone, off course; and he took some money for breakfast, John was starving, but there was not much food on the kitchen, just...just the instant coffee Alex bought once,

 

-You know, I really think I've become addicted to caffeine,-Alex said while shaking the instant coffee jar- so, for the days I stay asleep here, I need to be prepared-.

He laughed a little awkwardly, he probably knew what it really meant to do that, at least John did. He thought "You're planning on staying here often". And yes, he did. And yes, John liked it a lot, maybe one of his favorite things. Unsure of why, he come up with the idea that it was because he just liked the warm and loudness with what the house was filled every time the boy was there to visit. Everything took brighter colors around him, and John liked observing him like if he was an endangered specie, it was his inner biologist making it's way through him and taking notes of Alexander, of what he eat, how much he slept (if he ever), what could hurt him, and how to protect this unique specie he was so lucky to find.

 

Sure he didn't wanted to stalk him, he wanted to respect his solitude moments, but this little and angry man just made him so curious. Since the first time they met, Alex stired up all of Laurens' beliefs. He felt like waking up, like for the first time he was actually using his eyes. He saw the real world, he learned about cruelness, about kindness. All of it by himself, but without Alex's little push, he would be just the same rich kid from the block.

 

While thinking, John realized he had indeed made instant coffee. He was sitting on the high wood stool of the kitchen, with his hands wrapped on the hot mug. He looked at the time, 10:35 a.m, he better get going.

 

He went to the university on his bike, making sure of not taking the Trevol Trial "shortcut". This time he didn't kick his bicycle when he parked it, just run fast to Peggy's class, but he didn't see her. He checked his phone: no messages. Where was she? He tried calling her, and chat with her, but nothing, and it was already late. He called Angelica, and she answered pretty fast, but wasn't saying anything, John just heard the background sound and said

 

-Hey Angelica, I'm looking for Peggy, Have you...-

 

-Yes, she's in the cafeteria with me, her presentation starts on a few minutes, come here fast-.

 

He went there fast, but couldn't stop thinking of the way Angelica spoke to him. She wasn't the warmest of people, but she wasn't rude either, not with his friends at least, and John considered himself to be her friend. She was really fond of Alex, and was always taking care of him, so when he became close to Alex, it was inevitable to be around her too.

 

After he handed the USB to Peggy, and wished her good luck, John looked at Angelica, she was staring back at him, visibly waiting for Peggy to go so she could speak to him. "Good luck to you" Peggy whispered as she left to her class. John had a little idea of why Angelica looked so pissed, he started

 

-Ange, I think I know why you're mad, but-.

 

She interrupted him with her strong voice- No, Laurens. First, don't call me "Ange" right now... you who came here pretending nothing happened.-

 

-Actually I just came here because of Peggy, and now, I'm leaving-. He wasn't angry, he just thought he could take this conversation now, but he was wrong, he didn't wanted to talk to anyone. Came to think that he planned on asking Burr some help. What a dumbass.

 

-No- she said and took him by the sleeve- You're not leaving, Do you know what you did to Alex?-.

 

\- ...Do you know what he did to me?- John said coldly- What exactly did he tell you?-.

 

She looked to the cafeteria's floor, It was hot in there, and smelled as grease. She looked back into his eyes, more calmed and said,

 

-Let's go somewhere else, I think you need someone to talk to, too- and gave him a kind, closed-lip smile. It was her "I'm sorry for being so rude before" smile.

 

John smiled back, with his "It's okay, I don't care" smile.

 

They walked through the campus. The Liberty University was surrounded by palm trees, which was weird because they weren't natural from the area, nobody knows who planted them, but they were nice, Alex said once that they reminded him of his town. John disliked them, specially now that they would be the only witnesses to the conversation that was about to take place.

 

-John, it wasn't my intention to blame it on you, but now I'm ready to listen to the other side of the story- she started, the were walking slowly through the trees.

 

John waved his hands around the leaves, unsure of how to start.- Well, Ange...- He stared at her, making sure it was safe to call her "Ange" again. She just leaned her head, encouraging him to go on.- ...I'm sure he didn't missed to tell you anything, so I guess you already know how I feel about Alex?-.

 

-pff, I'm sorry, I'm not laughing, I'm not! this is a serious matter! It's just that you two had such a...special relationship, so I thought it was pretty obvious you loved each other-.

 

-Don't say it like that...- Laurens didn't liked to admit that he actually liked the word "love".-Alex just said it once, and it was shallow.

 

-I don't think Alexander would ever be shallow while saying something like that-.

 

John squeezed the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes- Okay, you're right, but he doesn't love me the way I want him to -. Not believing what he just said, he reopened his eyes. Wow, he did said it out loud. He felt like he just took a step ahead.

 

They had stopped walking, Ange was leaning on her back against the trunk of the palm. A smile was on her face, she could also see the step Laurens just made.

 

\- I...-he continued- I think I lost control yesterday... I could've say it the way I just did now, but it was so hard, I felt like there was a wall or something between us that was stopping me from just say what I wanted to say and...and I think I just went with all my strength against it, I just wanted to break it. And...- John didn't know how to explain the rest.

 

-...and you couldn't measure whatever that came through your mouth?- Angelica was trying to help him. She wasn't angry anymore, John thought that maybe the one that explained to her the events of that night, was a dramatic drunk Alex, and she probably didn't thought how much both of them were hurting. At least she asked for his opinion, Laurens could open up easily to her, she had that ability. And it had also helped himself to talk out loud.

 

\- Yes...that's basically what happened- John exhaled, and with that breath, he just took a little bit of the weight from his shoulders. But not all of it.

 

\- Alex sent me a bunch of messages last night. I listened to the first ones, they were just loud background music and I was like "Well, the kid does know how to party, even in a Sunday night"-then, Ange looked less happy, and John knew what was coming- The last two were him telling me that he fought with you, that you took advantage of his feelings. That you called him a liar and a coward...You know how hard those words are for him, right? Specially coming from you-. She said it in a lecturing tone, but she was right.

 

-I...I know they would hurt- "That's why I did it" He thought. He did wanted to hurt him then, but just because Alex had also said some bad things to him that he didn't wanted to recall right now.

 

\- That's not all, look, he said this crying. Like, I know he was drunk and would tear easily, but even then it sounded messy... John, I couldn't really understand what he said, but it was something about his father, something like "I shouldn't have told Laurens", what did he mean?-.

 

John couldn't talk about it. He had betrayed his friend by using a painful truth Alex confessed to him. It was a dark memory that he kept in the back of his mind, and he trusted John to keep it.

 

It was on a hot summer afternoon, they were on Herc's home, and Alex was laying shirtless on the floor, trying to cool down. He and Laurens were on a state of dreaming, drunk by the heat. Alex moaned loudly, John said nothing, then Alex moaned again trying to catch his attention. John looked at him and said with fake angry tone:

 

-Whaaat?-.

 

-Immahungr- the words melted on Alex's mouth.

 

-What?- He chuckled.

 

-I am feeling hunger- Alex said slowly, as if teaching Laurens how to speak.

 

-Okay, Take some food...?-.

 

-There's none I like, I want something delicious, not cereal again!- He complained like a child, and John said

 

-Okay, wanna go outside?-.

 

Alex nodded, and stood up immediately, like he was just waiting for Laurens to say that. Waiting on the door, John looked incredulous at him.

 

-What?-Alex said

 

-I don't know of many places were they would let you ingress shirtless- John was mocking at him, and Alex let out a long sight,

 

-You're lucky I'm too tired to protest!-  He said while going upstairs to change.

They decided to go to 7-Eleven. Actually John did, for two reasons: first, it was near, they didn't have the energy to walk much. Second: as always, John was paying, and at the moment he didn't had much, so 7-Eleven would do just fine.

 

When they arrived, they bought two "Big Gulps" and two hot dogs. Alex filled his with all the toppings and sauces he saw. John was a simple man, Ketchup was enough. They sat outside on a bench. From where they were they couldn't see the sunset, but the air and everything around them was filled with its colors. The street was relatively lonely, except for some lady walking his dog. Alexander asked:

 

-John, what breed of dog is that?-.

 

-I don't know, it looks like a German shepherd-.

 

-No, I thought it was a German shepherd, but I know it's something else-. He said with his hand on his chin, thinking position, and staring at the dog.

 

-Mmm, then maybe an Australian shepherd, does that ring the bell?- He wondered why Alex was so self-involved in that dog, but he stopped making such questions after knowing Alex for almost a year. He was just like that.

 

-Yes! That's it...yeah- Alex turned his head to look at John with a melancholic smile appearing on his lips.- You know, I used to have a dog like that when I was 13. I loved it, his name was Seamus- John made an interruption with his chuckle

 

-Seamus? Like in the song "Seamus the dog"?-.

 

Alex chuckled too.- I liked Pink Floyd. I played the harmonica, he howled along side, we were the perfect team-. He looked nostalgic, but his eyes were happy and shiny. After saying that, he stayed quiet. Alexander barely ever talked about his family or his childhood. All John knows is that he used to live in Florida before coming to New York, and that his mom died. So John didn't wanted to be pushy, but wanted him to keep going, he immediately said

 

-Hey Alex, and what happened to him?- Alex suddenly looked gloomy, and John face-palmed himself internally. "Ah, I really need to think before talk. 'What happened to him?', the dog is probably dead, and now Alex is sad, well done Laurens". But Alex answered despite John's thoughts,

 

-My father took it.- Silence.

 

-I-I'm sorry.- Was all that John could say.

 

-Nah, It's okay -Alex smiled with his eyes closed- It happened 6 years ago, I'm okay now-.

But John knew it wasn't OK, and he didn't think before saying it out loud- That sucks man-.

 

-Indeed-.

John was almost finishing his hot dog, and Alex, that was so hungry before, had only taken one bite.

 

Laurens was in deep, so he just risked it and asked before they lose the thread of the conversation- Why did he do that?-.

 

Alexander just answered as if he was on an interview- He never said it, but after thinking of why, I've come up with the conclusion that it reminded him of her-.

 

-By her you mean your mom?-.

 

-Yes...she gave me the dog, and after she passed, I traveled to Ft. Lauderdale to live with my father and his family. I brought Seamus with me.

"I know he didn't liked her, once he said to me: 'Did you know that is not a pure breed?' and I said 'Mom told me it was an Australian shepherd'. And then he said that she could never afford a dog like that with her usual job, that she probably got the money from an 'extra job'. Off course I got that he was calling her a whore, but I just played fool and smiled; he provoked me with things like that the whole time, but there was nothing I could do! I was hanging from a thread, and I had to swallow all that because...I had nowhere else to go. But one night I just couldn't contain myself. It was after dinner...I heard him talking to his wife in angry whispers "...I'm just saying that Social Services recognized him as my son, but I know he isn't mine, and now that bitch dies and I'm left with her shit! It isn't fair!". I know I should have stepped back and go to my room, but that was the last straw, and I...let loose"

 

John never understood what he meant by "Let loose". He imagined Alex breaking into the room and shouting, and using his voice after keeping it in so much.

 

Alex continued- Off course things heated up quickly, and before I could realize, I was on the floor with my father over me, punching my face...I don't know, I think I gave the first hit, because that's why they didn't receive me back on the Social Services, because I had started it. Those 'Services' are useful to no one, I didn't wanted to go back into that house, but I understood they couldn't kick me out. So after that night... I never thought he would take Seamus away, I searched for him, but he was lost, and John, it is my fault. -He was facing the ground at this moment, John supposed he was shedding tears, but wasn´t so sure, since some strings of hair had fallen over his eyes. John let him take a break and breathe. Alex sniffed and continued- I had nothing else to lose after that. Since then, we always fought, he called me bastard the whole time. He used to shout my name with such a disgust in his voice, but what I hated the most was all that he said about my mom- Alexander voice changed from being furious to being broken-... John, I was starting to forget her, and her memory was twisting into this... dirty and filthy woman my father had put inside my head. That's why I stayed with my mother´s last name, I wanted to remember her, and to be far removed from him. I was rarely on the house, most of the time I was on the library, other times I was just...out. Then I got the scholarship. To be honest, that was a blessing, because...- he stopped. John never took his eyes away from him, not even when Alex lifted his head and looked back at John. His face was wet and the orange light reflected on his tears. Laurens didn't know what to do, he had never seen Alex like that. "Maybe a little hug?", he passed an arm around him and hugged him gently, Alex tightened the grip and finally cried, sobbing and all.

 

\- I don't want to get back, John- Alex let out on his friend's shoulder.

John thought to himself "You wanted to know more about him, now you do, hope you're happy". He wasn't happy, but he liked that Alexander let that out, that he had trusted in him to help him carry with that burden.

 

And what did John do? Throw all that shit against him on a moment of weakness.

 

-Hey, Laurens, you okay? -It was Angelica's voice. She had her hands on Johns shoulders, shaking him a little- You don't have to tell me what was the thing about his father, but let's keep talking-.

 

Right, he lost himself there for a while.- I am, I'm fine. I was just remembering something.- That's true, he wanted to keep talking to Ange, now he was starting to understand how important this conversation was.

 

-John, Alex has a lot of unhealed things inside, I'm sure you're aware of that. Have I ever told you how I met him? Long story short: I was on vacation in Miami, and the first thing I see as I enter to this club, is this 15 year old kid full of bruises, his little body leaning against the counter. I go near him and he looks visibly drunk, I feel sorry for him- She looked disgusted while saying it- and I asked him, just to be friendly "Some drunk fight, eh?", and do you know what he answers? "Don't worry babe, this place is safe. I got this at home"-. Angelica was severe while talking, she didn't like having felt pity for his friend- So you see, he comes to this new land and feels that he can have a family or something, he gains our respect and grows closer to people, to you...so this fight, whatever the reason, whoever the guilty, I don't care, but you need to mend this, because Alex wont do it, he doesn't know how to! And he can't lose such a member from his "family or something", right?-.

 

-Right.- Family or something. Alex had slowly became his family or something too.

 

Angelica came to an important fact. When you're that hurt, it doesn't matter who's fault it is. You just need to stand up and do something. He started running,

 

-Hey! Laurens, where'r you going?- Ange shouted.

 

-I think I understood something, thanks for everything!- He was already far on the campus.

 

-Wait! you never told me your part of the story!-.

 

Yes, but he didn't need to, not anymore. And he didn't have any time to lose!

"Come to think I wanted to ask Burr some help...hehe, that would´ve been fun-", in that moment, John bumped into someone. 

-What a good timing, Burr-.

-As always, Laurens-.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, poor John, but Burr knows somethings, let´s not underestimate him!
> 
> Btw, if you like it, don´t forget to send me Kudos or comment if there´s anything you wanna say. Thanks!


	5. How the game is played.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Burr teaches John how to play cards. And by "cards" he means Alex.  
> The “talk less, smile more” talk, staring Aaron Burr and John Laurens.

“Is this the destiny that wants me to talk to this guy?” John had an incredulous expression while looking at Aaron Burr. He was also tired from running, and was standing with his hands leaning on his knees.

-Have you seen Alex? -Both of them stated at the same time. They shared looks and John just smiled because he found it kind of funny. Burr, on the other hand, furrowed his eyebrows and proffered a little smirk.

-Actually, I wanted to talk to you -John said.

-Oh, really? –“Well, no, I don´t want to, but Providence is making pretty clear that I must”- Yes, really -

-Is this a legal matter? -Burr asked

-No, but it´s important to me... it´s about Alex –

Burr rolled his eyes- With Alexander, everything is a legal matter. What do you need? –

\- Is, um –“Where to start”- when Alex disagrees with something and starts bickering…He still does that in Classroom Debate, right? –

-Yes, don´t you remember those panel discussions? Surely you do, you and Alexander made them so…bouncy –

Oh, John remembered, it´s one of the things he misses the most of studying law. To be honest, Alex was the only reason he survived that first semester. He wasn´t sure on what to study, and his dad saw his uncertainties as a chance to say: “Son, I know that you´re going to do great on whatever you choose, because you´re intelligent and capable, but remember that you have the blood of five generations of lawyers when making your final decision”. His dad also convinced him to make the entrance exam, just to "see if he approved", and since his score ended on the best 20, he chose law.

Henry Laurens was extremely delighted and payed the whole semester at once. John knew it wasn´t going to last since the second class, and that the only good thing was meeting Alexander. When his dad found out, he was so bitter that he stayed in his office a whole week “He won’t be a lawyer, Cal! Now it´s biology…and not only that, I think I´ve indirectly helped him to get a boyfriend, what a disaster!”. Yeah, he wasn´t the most supportive in that area; at least his dad accepted him, just making some bothering comments without a bad intention now and then... He tried…he really did.

-So -John continued, stretching his words- I remember no one could shut him, but once on those debates, when you two were chatting, you won the argument of whatever he was defending –

-Oh, yes, that one time that the class enlarged for an entire hour -Burr said proudly, but not arrogantly- What with that? –

-I know he´s not always right, but he constantly throws strong arguments that are hard to break. So how did you do it? How did you made him to stop and actually listen? –

-Well, he´s always listening, the thing is that he won´t stop talking... -Burr looked inquisitive into John´s eyes, he was probably wondering “What happened that Laurens is asking me this? I think they had an altercation. Is that why Alex didn´t come today? That´s a possibility, but if that´s the case, it had to be pretty bad”. Or Burr was a Sherlock Holmes, or John was being too obvious. Apparently both, but most likely the last one.

-Can I buy you a drink? – He knew Laurens´ question wasn´t just curiosity, that there was something more, and today he felt talkative, so it was okay to take his time answering.

-That´s your favorite flattery quote, isn´t it? -John annoyed- But actually that would be nice, I´m starving –

They sat on the, before crowded, cafeteria. The break had ended for most of the students, and John thanked the quiet, he just wanted some calm, he was starting to have a headache. Burr bought an apple juice for John and for himself an iced tea. John had to stand up from the table and bring some snacks.

-I only invite the drinks -Burr specified with a grin.

-That´s why you´re not getting any girl with that quote -John said as he was grabbing a Dorito.

-Hehe, are you sure of that? -He said while his mind got lost in Theodosia, in her eyes, in her hair, in her voice…He looked back at John, who rolled his eyes. Burr continued their conversation- So about before, there´s something about Alexander and that´s that he always says what he thinks –

-What´s wrong about that? He´s just being honest -John said a little defensive.

-I agree with you on that, but the thing is, if you have an idea you can´t just explode with it. Who´s more likely to be wrong, he who stays quiet and listens, or he who speaks and blurts? Words are delicate things, and you must be careful with them. Alexander is a good orator, but he revels all his cards at the beginning of the game, which leaves him defenseless if anyone decides to stroke with a surprise card -Burr stopped as he saw that Laurens seemed a bit lost- Do you understand what I´m trying to say? –

-Yes, continue, I was just thinking. –“Was that what I did? Reveal a card he didn´t expect?”

-That´s what I did, come up with an argument in the right words, one that made him stop talking, so he could think. He´s smart, so you´ll have to give a witty and strong idea to captivate him, to make him think –

-So just… having an ace under the sleeve? -John felt like in a class, “Hamilton 101”. He was failing it.

Aaron took a sip of his iced tea while gazing around with his pupils, thinking about something; his companion was just sucking the straw from the empty juice box, waiting for an answer

\- That´s an option, but it doesn´t need to be a “new card”. It can be the same argument, but you have to introduce it smartly. -Aaron smiled, as he found what he wanted to say- That´s it! Prepare what you´re gonna say and be attentive to your opponent, to which words he´s more receptive –

Burr stood up from the table and took his and John´s waste to throw them into the garbage. He leaned his wrist to take a look on his watch, and then he seemed like leaving, so John stood up too and followed him.

-Where´re you goin´? -he said rapidly.

-I must go now. Hope what I said was useful -Burr winked, he didn´t get to know what exactly happened, but he preferred not to bother Laurens about it. At least not with this.

-Yes, I hope too…Thanks man -John was scratching the back of his head clumsily, he really thanked Burr his help, and he wasn´t used to do that.

A new plan was starting to take form on his mind, one that involved the same topic, but taken from a different angle. Burr was away in the hallway when he stopped him, -Wait, why were you looking for him anyway? -John asked realizing that Burr was searching for him too.

-He never misses classes, and he can´t afford that either, because of the scholarship, at least not without a valid excuse –

-Yes, but why were **you** looking for him? How did it affect you? -Laurens was inspecting him very near.

Aaron stood back- First, personal space. Second, he´s my classmate, I´ve grown familiar with him, so I was just worry that something happened -He said with his steady voice, very natural.

John on the contrary was amazed to hear Burr. He never admitted that he cared for Alex, and he was happy to know that he had classmates that looked after him.

He smiled sincerily- Thank you Aaron! –

-You´re welcome, and -Burr smiled too- Don´t think that I´ll start calling you John –

\- Okay? Oh, I know, it´s part of your charm -John mocked- You know, being an asshole –

Aaron ignored him and kept walking.

Laurens walked away too, preparing his plan. He understood that he needed to clear his intentions with Alex to have a proper conversation. “If he doesn´t want me, I have to be okay with that, because a true friend should be able to help him without waiting for a reward”. John wanted to believe that, John wanted a proper rejection but was also terrified of it. He knew it wasn´t a surprise for Alex when he revealed his affections, “Angelica said it, ‘everyone knew’, that includes him”, and still, he was never rejected. The constant waiting for Alex to step back was tortuous, but he never did, they kept treating each other as close as they always did, even when Jefferson came…

Jefferson…


	6. In the name of lov- I mean, friendship.

Jefferson.

Alex met him that time professor Washington (ex-professor Washington after he resigned to be dedicated full-time on his newspaper) asked him to write an article on Social Critics. His article received so many compliments that Washington wanted to hire him immediately, but because he was underage it wasn´t thinkable. Luckily he proposed that meanwhile, Alex could help the editor (Thomas) and gain some experience. He accepted the offer and was tremendously glad, but Jefferson wasn´t so happy about the idea of having a "sidekick". They fought a lot, Alex said he cut all the important facts,

-He´s unbelievable, John! -the boy had an angry furrow- I gave a great proposal and he said that it had potential. Nevertheless, when I read the report, he had amended it to such an extent that nothing remained of the original. –

-Isn´t that the job of an editor? –

Alex puffed his cheeks at that and said- No, it isn´t. The point is that he dislikes all my ideas! He said they are childish, and I quote "You can´t just put full emphasis on the freedom of choice of applicable law, that would make the parties choose a different law at any time. This is not some basic opinion Journal, my god, grow up." -Alex was mimicking him with a voice that John was almost sure wasn´t the real voice of Thomas- "Grow up", he´s just 3 or somethin´years older, who does he think he is.-

Even with an angry Alex, John didn´t dislike him. He had seen him around the campus many times, helping Washington now and then. He thought he was a student, but Angelica voiced him later that Thomas graduated very young from one of the best colleges in France, and his grades were so good that Washington presented him a vacant for a job on his, then incipient, newspaper. His only impression of him was that he was brainy, and probably a bad partner in work (from what Alex´d told him).

Things changed later, when he met him in person in a party at Herc´s house.

-Jefferson? -John extended his hand to greet him. He didn´t shake it.

-Oh, so you´ve discussed me -Jefferson refereed to Hamilton with a grin on his face, and Alex was suddenly red- And you are? -

-He´s my friend Laurens, from the U -Alex rushed to answer and faced John, who had a fake smile that said "Yep, that´s me, just the friend from the U".

-Okay... I´m grabbing some drinks -Jefferson stepped back. He sounded arrogant-, this seems boring, nothing like that night at Mounty´s club, right Alex? -

 John gave Alex a look, "That night? Did he just call you 'Alex'?". Thomas saw their speechless conversation and walked away thinking "Apparently Alex needs to explain some things. Ugh, good luck".

As soon as he was far, Laurens approached to his friend´s ear- I thought you disliked Jefferson, why is he here? –he whispered while looking at Thomas taking some drinks in the distance.

-I, I don´t dislike him, we just disagree sometimes -Alex said a little unsure. John gave him a confused look.

-You said you wanted to kill him. –

Alex looked defeated and chose to just be straightforward- Well, yes, he makes me mad, but I kinda…like it? You know, fighting with him is funny. –

-Funny? -John looked more confused than before, but was starting to get where this was going, and that made him upset.

-I think I like him -John thanked that Alex didn´t take his eyes away from Thomas while saying that, because he would have seen the heartache in Laurens face- He´s very smart and we spend a lot of time together at work, so things just rolled on, I guess –

John wasn´t getting it. “Does that mean they are together? How long? I´m smart too… Why is Alex just telling me now?”. He looked back at Laurens, so he closed his eyes fast and smiled big- Great! –

-You think? We´re not actually together. He says he doesn´t like feeling trapped in a relationship -Alex said and John turned his face as if he was gazing around, he was hiding a smile “Good, that means they´re not a couple, right?”.

-Oh, so what does that mean? -John asked with some hope.

-We just fuck and have fun, but I´m okay with that; it´s a cool companion, with no compromises. It´s chill. –

Alex answered very confident, and after that John acted the best he could and said he had to go to talk to someone on the kitchen. Apparently Alex believed it, because he didn´t follow him. John didn´t cry, he never did that at the start. First he needed to kick something; and that night, after a few drinks, he went out to the front yard in search of his prey; nonetheless, he didn´t want a fight, even though he would probably win it. No, he wouldn´t hurt some drunk guy just because he´s hurting. Waking from his thoughts, he realized he was leaning against a strong pine tree, "I could kick this". Even the steady tree wasn´t a good target: he felt bad ´cause it was anti-ecological and went back inside, where he stayed in a corner watching how a visibly drunk Jefferson slid his hands under Alex´s shirt while kissing, if that could be called a kiss. Liquored up Laurens liked suffering, so he stood there for a long moment. 

Since that night, his judgement over Jefferson was clouded by jealousy, but it was other things that made him be wary. Since Alex started to go out with him, he began to move in a dusky environment. Of course they have drunk beers and shots before, but not to the point to get so violent to start a war with everyone and end up calling at John´s apartment at 3 in the morning with a nosebleed. They had been high before, but not to such a degree that it made them sick, when it´s not “funny” anymore.

Alexander´s perception of “fun” changed after meeting Thomas.

Laurens didn´t care how Jefferson choose to live his own life, and did not judge him for that, but Alex shouldn´t live like that, not again. Not after climbing up from the shithole his life was. Nonetheless they liked each other too much. And despite how hard it was for John to accept it, he knew Thomas cared for him in his own, twisted way; it just wasn´t what Alex needed right now. “Not ever”, John wished. At least Alex was the same with him, the things between them never seemed to change, except for one little episode of jealousy that they forgot as fast as an arrow. It was when Alex didn´t show up at Ange´s birthday party:

-I was working with Thomas on an article for Washington! -Alex was explaining himself to Herc, Laf and Laurens, who were sitting on the yellow entrance couch when Alex entered the house.

-For the whole day? -Herc said skeptically, crossing his arms.

-You know how this things are, these articles could even take a whole month to finish. -Alex was still standing on the door frame carrying a bunch of papers and archives. They stood silent, considering his answer. It was freezing outside.

-Close the door. -John said. He was arid. His head was buried in his shoulders, and he was buried between Lafayette and Hercules. 

Alex slammed the door by accident, and it made the tension grow.

-It wasn´t my intention -he excused- there was a strong breeze. -Silence.

Laf interrupted the quiet- You know how important you are for her, and it didn´t occurred to you to take the day off? You knew about this party for weeks. -

\- I did! -He shouted- I was only going to help Thomas in the morning, but things extended somehow, and we only got to send it a few hours ago -

They believed him, it seemed as something probable, and Alex wasn´t the lying type. But something made Laurens speak his mind before he could even stop it- "Things extended somehow". Come on Alex, be honest. Half of that time with Jefferson wasn´t just for "work". -

All eyes turned to him, speechless. He dug out from the yellow couch and went upstairs mumbling something like "Whatever". Then he went downstairs, mumbling again "I´m goin´to my place". He arrived shaking, it was really cold outside.

Yes, they forgot that incident as fast as an arrow. At least John tried to erase it from his memory, so they could still be friends.

You know, everything in the name of lov- I mean, friendship.

 


	7. Here Comes a Thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story of that fateful night, were John and also Alex, let some thoughts hunt them until their words hurt worse that drunk fights.  
> Here comes a thought...

-That might alarm you! -John said in a funny mood while talking to Alex on their way to his apartment. They`ve started a vivid debate about useless facts; but well, with Alexander everything could become debatable. - If you want to be an astronaut, you must be at least 62 inches.

  
-To be honest that`s discriminating. What if a Pygmy wanted to meet the space? “Nope, sorry, you have to be this tall to play this game” Not. Fair. –

  
\- Technically they wouldn´t be able to do it just for being short. You also have to be American…- Alex faced John as if he was mocking him- Or have the US Citizenship, which I doubt the Pygmies have it-.

  
\- Well then, that´s even more unfair- Alex said with a side smile on his lips. They used to have these random talks, and he really liked them.

  
\- And guess what else -John said bumping his shoulder with Alex´s- Lawyers can´t go to space, but biologists in the other hand…- At this point he lifted his head and played arrogantly.

  
Alex laughed and let a snort go out before he could stop it, – Oh John, imagine yourself in the moon! Looking all chubby in that suit, all lost without your friend beside you -He was acting dramatically and John laughed at that.

  
-Yeah, what would I do without you -Laurens rolled his eyes and punched his friend. Of course he mean it, but “That would be too cheesy to admit”. They kept walking, this time they didn´t take the Trevol Trial short(long)cut, because Alex had something to do later.

  
When they arrived, John´s curiosity took over him “He´s going to Jefferson´s. That´s what he has to do later. He´s going to Jefferson´s”. Curiosity, more like anxiousness, made John ask, in his most natural tone, and after practicing it a million times inside his head (thing he only did when talking to Alex):

  
-What do you have to do? -

  
John must have failed in his attempt to not look troubled, because Alex responded hesitating- I´m going to Jefferson´s-

  
John entered the kitchen and Alex sat on the wooden stool. – Coffee? – Laurens said, visibly ignoring his eyes, and with a dry voice.

  
-No thank you. You are mad because I´m meeting with Thomas -Alex was not the type to give the runaround- You know we meet a lot, so just tell me what is it, what bothers you so much? -His tone wasn´t angry, just tired of asking the same question to Laurens, but this time, his answer was different:

  
\- You´ve change since you´re with him –He couldn’t believe what he just admitted.

  
Alex opened his eyes incredulously, almost mad -I´ve what? –

  
-You weren´t so…bare –

  
-Bare? Is that what I am? – Alex crossed his arms and one eyebrow, higher than the other, made him look scary, but John needed to go on.

  
\- …like, you worried about other stuff, more important things, you didn´t waste your time in those immature habits, those stupid fights you’re now getting into almost every time you´re with him -John didn’t want to mention the drug abuse he was getting into, he thought it could aggravate things, more than they were getting by now.

  
\- What fights? – Alex stopped frowning, remembering the time he appeared all beaten on John’s door, and tiredly said- Ugh, John, that was just one time!

  
John, a little defensive, responded- First, that “Ugh” made you sound just like Jefferson, and second, be honest with yourself! You may have appeared just one time in my house, but I know what you do with him, all the bad things you’re getting into! –

  
\- Ah, so you know what I do with him, uh? You’re stalking me now or what the heck John!? -Alex glared at him with something like disgust in his eyes.

John felt sick and said- I don’t need to stalk you, -he said in a disappointing way- you’re my friend, and I get to see the bruises on your left shoulder, or that cut on your temple -John said while pointing the scratches that covered his friend.

  
Alex mumbled, like not knowing how to respond, but let’s be honest, he always responds -Whatever, I get in fights, so? What does this have to do with Thomas? -Then Alex closed his mouth for a second, and said more calmed, but still pissed- I think I get this now -he said slowly and leaning back- Be honest with myself? Laurens, why won’t you be honest with yourself and just say that you´re jealous, that simple! Instead of making your insecurities my fault. My god –

  
-My god! Now you´re just being childish! –John blushed but felt something empty inside “Rejection, that´s it”. Alex had hurt him, and John´s intentions where now clouded by that hole in his chest- This is not ‘bout me! Is about you and getting hurt and damaged in stupid and empty drunks fights!

  
Alexander Hamilton was still sitting on the stool. John Laurens was still standing on the kitchen, with his hands on the countertop between them, dividing them.

  
Alex was now moving his hands angrily while responding- I´m not damaged, ok? And if you’re going again with the fights thing, I swear I’m gonna shot myself! -Looking back into John’s eyes he said- And for your information, it´s not his fault! He even defends me when I get in a fight! -

  
Now John was the one looking disgusted, and very, very stressed- The point there is why do you even get in fights! If he cared, he wouldn´t even let you participate on a fight, not knowing what happened… -He stopped his impulsiveness of “letting all out” before he made a mistake.

  
It was too late, Alex was already frowning madly, and said with a slow, grave voice- Not knowing what, Laurens? What happened to me? -

  
John just nodded, instinctively

  
-And tell me, dear Laurens -the diplomatic voice cut and a crazy one followed- What the fuck happened to me?!

  
John, now contaminated by Alex’s madness, and not knowing how to aboard what he was thinking, just let it all out- You know what I’m talking about! You´re repeating your history with your dad! – It came out pretty natural, and those words floated in the air before Alex could catch them.

  
\- What the freaking fuck -Alexander looked calm, “The calm before the hurricane…or was it the storm?” John couldn´t remember, but oh man, he was right, because Alex started to throw words as hard as rocks, almost falling from the high wood stool of the kitchen- Do you think it works like that?! “Oh, he had a messy childhood, and an awful dad, so every mistake he makes is because of that, like it defines me, right? He´s all messed up, Right? How pathetic, RIGHT!?” –His violet eyes were shiny, but red, and frightening.

  
\- No Alex, I- John didn´t feel good with words at the moment, and instead of listening to common sense, he listened to his reckless heart, and spoke- I just don’t want you to fall into a pit again -His mouth stayed open after saying that, trying to read inside Alex’s eyes if there was any chance that he didn’t messed things up even more, but he couldn’t look straight into him, he just couldn’t.

 

-What? You don´t know how this works, -his voice was broken, but spiky. Exactly like broken glass. Alex demanded with a steady voice- You have no idea how it is –

  
-That´s why I’m tryin- -John thought he was done talking when Alex went on, again with that dangerous voice, but this time faster, and even mockingly

  
\- I´m happy for you, really. That you were a happy infant, that you had everything easy because daddy would get anything for his little boy; but, surprise John, not everyone was so lucky, and you hav-

  
-No, it is -John cut him with a desperate voice, he needed to explain himself.

  
\- Interrupt me one more time! -Alex shout, his eyes were wet, but even when he lets himself cry, this time he surely wouldn´t, not this time- You have NO right to use my own life against me-

  
“Breathe Alex, breathe, please” John wanted him to calm down, he had broken the thin ice since the moment he stared walking in it, now he had to choose well what to say. He didn´t wanted to see him in this crisis, he looked lost, lost in the space; Where was his friend to help him? – Alex -he tested the ground. “Safe, keep going”- You´re right, I don´t know how it is, but this isn´t about me, is about you recreating your past -Laurens froze as Alex contorted his face in a frightful look, “You just did a mistake”.

  
-Agh, you keep saying the same things, of course is about you too, you´re the one who started all this because you´re sad you don’t get what you want and, you know what, just take a hint and _leave me_ , or you know what, I´m leaving, it´s late.- Alex was rushed, and weirdly, he looked nervous. While standing from the stool and walking backwards, he crashed an empty flower base- Oh shit, I´m sor-no, -He cut himself- I shouldn´t apologize, ´cause I like violence, right? ´Cause I was raised with it, isn´t it, John? -

  
-Hamilton! Wait! -Laurens was desperate to fix this and couldn´t let Alex get away. He took him by the arm and Alex shook it away pissed but also distracted. John spoke fast, his last chance – Alex, be honest with yourself and I will be too; so OK, I freaking do love you and, you just ignore it instead of facing it and giving me a proper rejection. And like that, you must face those other things storming in your head, Ok? Is for the best, why can´t you get that I care!? -John thought it came out ruder than he wanted, but things were said, and Alex was getting quieter as time went on.

  
He looked directly at John´s eyes, and with a concerned, dry voice he said his last words: that he needed some time. After that he closed the door on his way out, leaving John alone, leaving himself alone.

  
“I´m not alone, I have my fake ID, the bar on the corner and Jeff”

  
Yes, he could think tomorrow, it was enough emotional energy waisted for one day.


	8. The chamomiles, the cake box and the plan

_Toc, toc, toc..._ The noise on Hercules' door. The sound John was so afraid of making last night, when trying to reach Alex, not trying hard enough.

He was calmed this time because, first, he felt like he knew just what to do and, second, Alexander wasn't home. He always works on Mondays 'till late on the Library, organizing archives, getting lost in the letters...That damn Library that has gave both of them such good memories...Laurens drift on thought, remembering how once he got up a whole night untill dusk with Alexander working, making him company, being a good _friend_. 

He was ready to be a good friend again.

-Hey Herc -He said sympathetic but, a little wary, like before with Ange. Just in case he was mad at him, but,

-Hey Laur -" _Laur,_ I'll be fine"said with a side smile. And a pair of eyes like a father disappointed on his son. 

"Shit, maybe not so fine" John entered the house, Herc behind- Nice chamomiles, out there -he pointed with big eyes and shy voice.

-John...- Hercules touched his shoulder, but he shook it, nervous.

He turned to look at his friend, but the moment their eyes met, that millisecond was enough for John to down his head, and closing his eyes he let go rapidly- I'm so sorry, you know more than anyone I wouldn't harm him for anything in this world, you- -"You know how much I care for him". 

Herc cut it, reaching his shoulder again, which made Laurens up his gaze- Hey, It's okay -smiling again, he draw him to the living room, sitting on the yellow sofa.

-Aren't you mad? -A realization came to his head quickly- Wait, you do know what happened, right? -He asked, hoping he wouldn't know, hoping because "I'm a a coward"

-Of course I do, you think anything can hold as a secret in this house? -He laughed, laying his back. He was trying to lighten the tension, the air, and the fear in John's big eyes but, it only worked to cover the environment in an awkward silence. Herc remembered the first question, and did broke the tension- I'm not mad, John. I'm concerned.

He relaxed and closed his eyes, tired. Tired of the little sleep he had, of the classes he couldn't concentrate on today. Tired of this little dust devil he made in less than a day. He looked at his wrist watch "In a few hours It will be a day old". He had had longer fights with Alex, but he had let them be long because he knew they weren't deep, he didn't tried to fix anything because he knew they would be okay. But this time he did broke something, so he did had to fix it- I'm concerned too -He opened his eyes again- Who told you?

-He didn't came home, so I was worried and after calling you, by the way, thanks for replying my calls -He wasn't truly mad, but John apologized anyway- I called Eliza in case she knew something and, she said he was with Thomas, so I figured why you weren't answering -He looked at John warmly, sorry because Herc knew how it hurt him to see them together- I called Alex a few hours ago, he said he didn't wanted to talk 'bout it. He just said he was sad 'cause your fight, but to be honest, he also sound confused, distant -

-I, yes, I think I'm responsible for that...- He was ashamed, but also worried "Alex isn't mad? Just...sad". He understood the implications, it's easier to make Alex mad, but it'll be harder to cure sadness, especially on him.

-Also I thread that with the fact that you visited last night but didn't knock on the door -He suppressed a mockin' face. John pressed his lips, narrowing his eyes- The flowers, you smashed them with your bike, again -

John smiled, looking away- sorry... -How many times has he apologized today?

\- Just, don't do it again -He said with a calmed voice, tapping Laurens' back, but serious nonetheless.

-I wont, actually I'm trying to be more careful with it, I just parked it outside, behind the building -He said proud, beckoning outside, changing subject and realizing he wasn't trying to, he just wanted to make it all okay again, and starting with having a normal conversation with his friends seemed perfect.

Herc stood from the sofa, motioning to the kitchen- Want something to drink? -

John stood too, following- No, thanks -

-Good, there was only one beer left anyway -He took it from the fridge, and John saw a glimpse of a cake box from a knowing place...

-Is Laf back? -John asked. Every time he travels, he brings the same vanilla-pistachio madness cheesecake for them...but mostly for Herc.

-Yes, well not exactly, he made a stop here, but he's in DC now. With all the work he's got lately...- He rolled his eyes, complaining to all the work the poor Laf has had lately. He was trying to get his part from a family money and them, accusing him as a traitor for leaving the country, were making it as hard as possible for him to get his inheritance.

-So, he brought _you_ cake? -John said, lifting his humor

\- He brought _us_ cake -He said, with his humor lifted "It worked"- and also, guess who's super interested in helping him to sue his family's _malpractice_? -

-Malpractice? Well, if he used that word, it had to be Alex -He said laughing, making a joke at the cost of thinking about him again. Hercules must have seen the sudden shadow on his face, wanting to help somehow but with few information to do so, so he tries,

\- I think this fight is specially different from any other, and if I'm not wrong, I'll assume it has something to do with Jefferson? -Bingo, Laurens looks at him straight in the eyes, brows making him look nit- Did you warned him?

John knew what he meant by _warn,_  "Warn against Thomas". Herc had not much against Thomas, just that he could be rude sometimes, but he also knew Alex liked arguing, so it was okay. But as John, Herc has had the misfortune of going downstairs in the middle of the night to encounter Alex in the kitchen with a bag of iced peas to cover his bruises. He didn't like that, but didn't do much, 'cause the moment he brought the subject, Alex run away.

He didn't like Thomas, but at least he wasn't as clouded by jealousy as John was. 

\- I tried. I think I tried but I...also mentioned one or two things I shouldn't have.- John was leaning on the sink, and Herc on the fridge, drinking.

\- Eliza said something 'bout his father, but just that it may be drunk babbling-

\- No...I mean, he said it because I mentioned it. I said he was on that rode again. You know what I mean -His voice was paused, but trying to be as informative as he could.

Hercules nods, looking at the distance like a hero remembering the war. It's not supposed to be funny, but he looks dramatic, and John holds a smile.

He shakes it form his face, keeping the talk, not getting distracted- I also -"Just say it, you coward"- I said I love him -But his voice muffles with the sound of cars driving outside.

-What did you said? -Herc mentions, and John with his cheeks red looks up, just to meet with his friend's laughter. John gives a glowering face- I'm joking, joking, I heard it. Of course I already knew it -

Laurens looking frustrated almost shout- Of course you knew! Who the heck did not?! -He wasn't angry, only embarrassed.

\- Sorry bro, your face is too etched all the time to hold any secret as big as that one -He holds his friend in a half hug, reassuring him to keep talking.

-Whatever...-John said downcast.

-Whatever? What did he said? -He asked curiously.

"Nothing...no, actually-"- He dodge it, like he does with this whole thing with Jefferson -He was tired of thinking about it.

Herc nod, as he does when analyzing- So, _this,_ you came here waiting for Ham? -he asks casually, and even when John wants to drop the subject at times, he knows he has to hold it, so he answers,

-I knew he wouldn't be here...I do want to talk to him, but I wanted to tell you what happened, I want you to know that he will be okay, that I'll be the friend he deserves...-John spoke too fast, and Herc had to stop him

-Friend? I thought you confessed to him -

-I did, but I just told you he ignored it -John stands in front of him, glazed.

-I know you told him, but don't you wonder why he's ignoring it? -John tilts his head, interested-  I can't assure you he feels the way you do, but I don't think he would deny it either.-

-But...-He doesn't know what to do with this information, he wants to believe it, but...- You didn't saw the face he gave me after I confessed, he was so quite, and...disappointed...-

-Hey, lets not cry now -He wasn't going to, but he took his words as comforting- Apparently you two discussed lots of things in one night, maybe it was just to much for him-

-So should I give him some time? -John looks at him, pleadingly.

-I don't know. What does he wants? -Hercules asks, crossing his arms.

-Time -He responds meaningfully, as if 'time' was supposed to be the key for every problem.

-Then I don't think you should wait. I'm afraid he may drift away, and falls deeper in those habits -

There's silence for a minute, both thinking of the best plan, "How to be his friend, when he knows my real feelings, when he thinks I see him damaged by his past, when he has Jefferson to _distract him"._ He just wanted his friend to be okay, far from bad influences, from emptiness. Suddenly, John laughs lightly through his nose,

-We're behaving like his parents, don't you think? -

-He's a difficult kid -Herc laughs too- But he's brilliant, -he stops laughing, voice honest- I know he can climb whatever hole he falls into by himself, he has done that his whole life with no help, but we can make it easier for him, show him he's not alone. We gotta help him, especially in times when he doesn't even realize he has fallen, he needs the true people that cares for him, not just people that admire him, or that have fun with him, or that only want something from him. No, he needs a family, _friends_ -

John looks at him, amazed by his words, amazed by this man in front of him, doing what's right, knowing what to do. He's the best example of a friend he could think of and, even when he can be like him, he knows he's not. He does want to help Alex, but he knows that it will hurt him to just do that. He feels greedy, but at least is honest with his heart; he wants more, and his satisfaction is something he'll have to give up in order to help him. He can be his family, he can be his friend, but at a cost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I'm thinking to make a Laf's side story 'bout Hamilton helping him, but I don't know)


	9. Johnny & Jef, a weird and blue cabinet meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> staring the Thomas Jefferson and Johnny boy

_Knock, Knock, Knock_ ; “Fuck”- Tell me you’re waiting for someone -Laurens said with open arms carrying his worries.

-Well, yes -his arms fell in relief, but then- Hamilton lives here, you know.

-What! You just told me he would stay ‘til midnight in work! -he was confused, and his arms were open again.

-Okay, calm down, I said he lives here, and I´m not waiting for anyone, so I’m just sayin’ it’s probably him, but who knows -Herc’s expression was still, like if this wasn’t a big deal, which infuriated Laurens even more.

 _Knock, knock_.

A realization came into John’s mind- Is not Alex, he would have the keys, wouldn’t he?

-Oh, true that -Herc, as calmed as before gave Laurens a point- Then, no idea who that is

John gave an incredulous look at his friend's aloofness. However, he felt better knowing it couldn't be Hamilton, but a million thoughts race through his head, informing him of the big chances that Thomas could be the one behind the door, “He had come here before, right? And he was with Alex last night, but no, if Jefferson wanted to see Alex, he would have called him, not come all the way here…unless he’s not answering his phone!”

-Did you say something? -Herc asked, and John looked at him puzzled- You just, ah whatever -he rolled his eyes- I’ll open the door, you wait h- But he couldn’t finish his words, all erased by a racing John leading to the entrance.

-God, I thought I would have to break in -Thomas said expectant, waiting for John to let him inside.

-He’s not here, -John said, still on the door frame. Jefferson opened his mouth to make a comment, but John went on- And he’ll not be here ‘til midnight, so there’s no point in waiting -He didn’t speak angrily or mad, he tried to be mature and calmed, show him that he can be an adult too.

-Come on kid, move, I don’t bite -He rolled his eyes, and John couldn’t stop himself of following his orders, watching him sitting on the bright couch with his arms resting over each side of the backrest, and his legs crossed. “What a cliché”- Did you said something?

-What? No – “What’s happening to me? Now I can’t even keep my thoughts shut”. He glanced at the kitchen, were Hercules was “hidden”, and took a sit in the center table, in front of Jefferson.

\- I could swear you just purred something -He said slowly- Don’t be afraid Johnny boy, remember, I don’t bite -Jefferson mocked- Not always -and added a wink

John turned his head to the side, feeling his face red, and said- Ah, let it go -He kept for himself any insult that would’ve fit perfectly- And, tell me why’re you still here? I told you, he’s working ‘til late

\- First, no, he’s not at work, I was in the office just now, and second—

\- What? -John cut- I’m not talking of your job, I’m talking ‘bout the Library -and side smiled when a confused look appeared on Jefferson’s face. Then he understood “Alex never told him about his night time job” and felt special, felt like he had Alex better, know him better.

-Well, I didn’t know the guy had time for two jobs and school -Thomas said with wide eyes, not really trying to hide his admiration. Maybe if Alexander was present, he would have hide it better.

John gave him a few seconds of silence, while he thought if he was supposed to feel mad that he just gave Jefferson another reason to like him more, tho he didn’t, he continue, less cocky and more cool- So? Wont you go to the Library and meet him, now that you know where he is?

Jefferson, who had been gazing at the floor, looked up to meet his eyes. John didn’t have a clue of why he wasn’t…well, an asshole as always, and even when he didn’t dislike him being more chill, he didn’t like it either. It felt odd.

Of course, it didn’t last long- You interrupted me while I was talking before, this time, let me finish, would you sweetie?

John rolled his eyes, exasperated- Agh, how does Hamilton bear you? -He murmured through his teeth, but clear enough for him to listen. He was done trying to be the adult here. None of them was.

-Oh, you wanna talk ‘bout him? Great, because that’s what I intended to do, you know, before you interrupted me, again

John swallowed whatever childish but witty response he would have for that childish and shitty comment, because, apparently Jefferson wasn’t here for Alex, but for him.

-Last night he stayed with me, as you know. He was already drunk when he crashed into my place. It confused me a little but, I mean, he insisted with those puppy, drunk eyes on going out, and I didn’t have anything better to do, so I followed him to that disco. I was like “Hey, this’s going to be sooo empty on a Sunday night, but surprise -He made a pause to his dynamically told story, looking at John expectantly, probably waiting for an answer

John looked at his side, and said not so animated- It wasn’t so…empty?

-It wasn’t empty at all! -Thomas continued retaking his vigorous story-telling energy- So, we danced and smoked, but I didn’t buy him any more liquor, even I know when he had enough, and believe me, he had. I’ve never seen him like that, I left him at the bar for a sec, and when I turned, he was yelling to some tall man, like, for no reason at all. I mean, one thing is when people deserve it, but this guy looked so lame, I couldn’t think of a reason of why Alex was so mad at him. That’s when I grabbed his arm and drove back to my place, to be honest I felt annoyed- John interrupted him, again, yes, but this time with his angry look- What? I’m not a babysitter, and this wasn’t fun anymore, that tall guy could have smashed him, and I had to take care of that!

-Well, that’s what you get for introducing him into fights in the first place! To drugs, to stupid last time Sunday’s parties! -John tried to get himself together and don’t yell at him, so his words just came out a little angry, blended with tiredness. He couldn’t appear mad, he wanted him to go on with the story.

\- I’ve never make him do anything, if he does this, those are his decisions -Jefferson wasn’t trying to excuse himself. He didn’t even looked sorry or guilty of anything, because he was so sure that,- Alex is just doing what he wants.

John wasn’t having this conversation again, less with him, so he killed his urge to defend the true desires of his dear friend, and just said, vaguely still and between teeth- Right. And you were saying that you two went to your apartment. Why are you telling me this? –“Why do you care if I know this?”

-I left you a voice mail, last night, right after Alex told me to write you

“The voice mail…right, the one I deleted”- Yeah, I’ve received it, but I didn’t had a chance to listen to it.

-Yeah, I’m sure it wasn’t because it was a voice mail from me, I know you would have loved to hear my sweet voice -Thomas, looking the muddled face Laurens had, continued, certain- in the note I’m telling you that Alex was a mess and that I wanted to talk to you ‘bout some things he said…I went to your place, but since you weren’t there, I came here.

Now, Laurens was looking at him differently, since, indeed, this was a Thomas he had never seen. Less distant, still annoyed, but one that seems worried enough for making all his way to talk to him about Alexander- So, are you worried about him? Is that why you’re here? -But still, Laurens didn’t trust him yet. He could be worried just because he wouldn’t have fun anymore. Because he knew it wouldn’t be alright to have that kind of fun with Alex. Either way, John did appreciate his efforts

-I’m just saying that I think he spilled some things that weren’t supposed to get out. That you two fought and, while we were smoking, he said how much all this reminded him of his childhood, I, -Jefferson was uncomfortable while talking, so John changed his sitting position to sit sideways, maybe that would make him feel less awkward- I didn’t know how to feel about it, so I asked him “What do you mean with ‘all this’?” , and he said, or tried to say with all his liquid words, “You know” and shoved the weed over my face. To be honest, I just laughed, I thought he was just high, but then he started to cry and, I freaked out, I sincerely had no idea of what to do -He laughed, a quiet, not funny at all laugh. John wondered that Jefferson must have never been in such a situation so human. He’s always mocking and joking and, this got to be something new for him, something nasty. He continued, his posture less opened as when he first was, undercover- Between sobs and hiccups, he started to talk to me about some violent things that happened when he was young, and when he mentioned his family I cut him-I, I know he didn’t wanted me to listen to that, and, damn, I truly didn’t want to know that.

There was silence, and the little lamp at the side table gave a dim light, almost grey. At least the sofa lighted the room a bit, the quite sure didn’t help. John, who had been staring at the rug, met eyes with Thomas, looking at this other human, with his own troubles. Real or not, is not John who decides, but one thing was sure: he wasn’t ready to have Alex as one of his problems.

Jefferson stood from the couch, stretched his arms and back, and without breaking his gaze with John, said- I thought you would like to know that -and, since John didn’t respond, he made his way to the door.

John woke from his inner mind and run to meet him on the porch, were he was standing, the streets alone, covered in the blue-sky night loneliness, not even the stars made him company- What are you gonna do?

-I don’t know, go to Disney, wanna join? -Thomas was slowly recovering to be himself again

-Funny, I mean with Alex -John said, friendlier as never with him

-Oh…Right -he said gloomy. That recovery may have to wait- I think is better for him to take his time, I -and he said this with some blend of shame in his face- I don’t think I would be able to have as much fun as I used to, not knowing what I know now

He was a coward, John thought, but something he understood is that it was his problem, not Alex’s, not his. He turned around with his hand up, and wave- See ya, Thomas

He returned to the house feeling cold. Herc wasn’t in the kitchen anymore, probably sleeping by now, so John opened the fridge and took a tiny portion of Laf’s gift. Eating it slowly, munching with every thought of how unsatisfied he felt. “Jefferson is leaving whatever they had, Alex is safe from him”, but after tonight, Jefferson didn’t seem as something Alex would have to be saved from. He wasn’t a villain anymore. He was just Jefferson. And any memory of John feeling jealous, any remain of his memories of Thomas and Alex together, didn’t made him feel anything anymore. He felt empty, no rage, no envy, no guilt. Just nothing. “Alex is free, why am I not happy”


	10. A Change Of Weather

_Run, run, run._

_Confess._

_Lie._

_Do nothing._

_Something._

_Anything, but please stand up._ Laurens mind was starting to get all these plans, all these ideas that were racing to be the first on line, to be the first to complete; but even when on the inside everything was battling, his head burning; the rest of his body was cold, especially his chest, freezing and heavy. Emptiness was heavy, and for some mysterious reason, fullness was slight.

He looked at the kitchen’s clock “11:14 pm, Alex ‘ll be here soon”. That’s when he went upstairs to say goodbye to Herc, who was sleeping soundly on his bed (and in the most reckless position). He seemed tired, with a lazy worried face. He remembered how upset he was about Lafayette’s shitty family, making everything harder for him, calling him a traitor. However, if John was upset too, he wasn’t so concerned. Not after Herc told him that Alex would help him about his lawsuit. “Don’t worry” He thought, wanting to whisper, “Laf will be okay, Alex will do everything he can to make sure of it. We will”. Herc looked more calmed after confessing that, stretching his neck, and breathing like a baby. Maybe he just imagined it, though he wished he hadn’t. “You said it, we’re family”.

Laurens closed the door slowly, so he wouldn’t wake him, and in his way to go back down, just a few steps from the stairs, a rush of air made him look up to the end of the aisle, the last door slightly opened. He knew it was Alexander’s room while he was making his way to it, he knew he had no permission, but something called him from that crack, the cold air blending on the warm house “The window must be open, I should go and close it, so he won’t find it too iced”. Laurens had witnessed the terrible effects that the winter breeze has over his friend, the sleepless nights full of feverish dreams and cold sweat, how he had held him, just to keep him warm, safe. Nonetheless, it wasn’t winter, and John knew that such a little blow of the early summer night would not harm Hamilton at all. Still, he made his way through his room, with that sorry excuse behind him.

He had been there before, off course, but never more than a few minutes, waiting for Alexander to get ready or to pick something. They usually met at his apartment, where Alex says that is comfier. He had all kind of excuses so they wouldn’t meet in his room: _It’s too dark. My computer doesn’t work. It’s a mess. Your house has a pretty view of the city, I like it, let’s go there._ Herc once told Laurens that not even himself went to his room without his permission.

\- He’s too secretive ‘bout some things, but he can have his secrets, so stop sneaking around.

\- I’m not! -John remember saying- I was just curious.

\- Well, stop. He doesn’t like it -He wasn’t mad, but John had widened his eyes, looking dejected just to get some more information. Herc sighed, defeated against Lauren’s crocodile tears and said- I think he just likes having a place of his own, for once.

Laurens remembered how he had felt that day, realizing how little he knew his friend, how much there was still to dig; Alex must have been wanting all his life for a place just for him, probably the first thing that was _his_. A place where he could be safe. Where no one, not bad news about his mother, not a shitty father with anger problems, could harm him. Since then, he had respected it, understanding that it was Alexander’s peaceful place, where no one would bother him.

But this time, even recalling all of that, he stepped into his dark room.

“Well, this is messy” John glanced over the room. The street lights sneaked inside, reflecting in some known objects, the same single bed, the same traditional desktop computer on the same tiny desk, the same old placard, the (actually new) soft plants beside the window, and still it wasn’t as he remembered. The vibe he got was a cold one, and not only because of the air escaping through the window. Laurens didn’t close it, not yet, or else he wouldn’t have a reason to be there. He looked at the room, chaotic when it used to be so tidy and clean. Papers and cloths all scattered on the floor, also some cigarettes butts, but when he leaned on the trash can, there were countless. Beside the muddled bed, the nightstand seemed to be the last place safe from the new and chaotic lifestyle of Hamilton, the only thing over the table was an old and wrinkled, but beautifully written letter. It was long, colorful with what seemed as little flower doodles al over it, and side by side full of words. He felt curious, but even when John would never read a letter that doesn’t concern him, (maybe break into a room that doesn’t concern him), the letter was in Spanish. So he only scanned for the last words, searching for a name, for the person who had wrote such a cheesy thing to him. He found none, but he stopped looking for a name when he saw an understandable and universal word, _Mama._

 _De Mamá, que te quiere_ written at the end. “So what? Is not so weird he has a letter from his mom” He thought, trying to dodge the idea that the reason he has that letter more present now is because he needs it. Because he feels lost. He barely talked about his mother, but the few times that her ghost appeared in Alexander’s mouth, it was usually in the hard ones, those times that you wish your mother were there with you, those times that you feel only her love would fix you. With everything that has happened lately, the idea of Alex needing his mom doesn’t seem too far away. Off course Alexander would never admit it, so John left the letter back where he found it, as if nothing had happened to it, and went back in search of something that he could recognize, that would calm him down into thinking that Alex wasn’t as bad as he believes, something to reassure him that he’s just being dramatic. He kneeled and grabbed one of the papers on the floor, and felt even more worried while reading it. It was a draft, at least a page of what seemed a larger work, one that looked pretty familiar to him. He grabbed another, and then another, and saw they were all draft pages from the same essay. He grabbed one more, and saw the title of it, which he recognized immediately “This is the project Alex have been doing for weeks”. Alexander had been in Laurens’ place working on it, and John had helped him as best as he could, because if he doesn´t deliver it before the summer break, Alex would risk his scholarship. However, they weren’t worried about it. They both know how a great student he is, so everything would go just fine.

That was two weeks ago. Right now, Laurens is freaking out looking at all his work and effort wasted, “No way he’s delivering this before Thursday”, A.K.A the last day of school, A.K.A in three days. He could cry, not even from sadness, but because of not being able of doing something. He realizes he´s crunching the drafts between his fingers, so he let them fall back to the floor, and crunches his face instead, powerless. -Why won’t you let me… -He whispers, not sure of how to finish the sentence. What does he want again? _Let me in._ “No, let me help you, let me care for you”. Laurens is sure of what he wants deep inside, but this is not about him and his greedy heart, is about someone’s life. Someone important to him.

After the longest seconds, his mind comes up with an idea that he finally convinces himself of doing. “Whatever reason Alex did this, whatever reason he has fallen into such a mess, he can’t lose this”. Laurens doesn´t want to think of what would happen if he loses his studies, what he has fight so eagerly to get. Besides, where would he go? How would he feel? What would he do? John takes the papers one by one, in no specific order and with maximum delicacy, taking in account that they are the only copies of his essay. When they’re all gathered, he watches his phone to see the hour “11: 36 pm, I think I have time”

With all the papers on his backpack, he was riding his bike as fast as he could, wanting to get home and do something. His idea was to help him with his work, but _how_? He braked the bike in an impulse. “What was my plan? God I’m stupid!”. In the rush, his mission seemed fine enough _: gather papers, go home, write the essay on digital form, send it to Hamilton_. “Yeah… and how exactly would that help Alex?” John wanted to help, and he knew he could do that, but his plan is way to easy, and doesn’t really solve the primal problem, so he needed to change it.

Not only that changed, with Laurens lately luck, the cold breeze night went somewhere else, reveling the suffocating air, trapped under the static heavy clouds arriving to stay.

-Great, -he didn’t bother to keep quiet, or calm- a storm is coming, the last thing I needed! -he said in the middle of the street, in the middle of the night, with his hands on the bike, and his head down.

That’s when he looked up, wishing to see one last star. “Is this some kind of shitty signal? Should I stop this?” He has never been religious, though his family is, he doesn’t want to believe in destiny. With all the odds against him, is he supposed to leave things as they are? Herc just told him that if Alex wanted time, then he should do the opposite. Because he needs someone to wake him up. “No, fuck you sky, I gotta go to the library”. That’s right, a summer shower will not stop him. “The only way to make him do something now, is shoving this papers against Alexander’s face”.

Yeah, that’s a great plan.


	11. Stop Reminding Me I'm Crap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess who John finds in the middle of the rain?

John couldn’t hide the little smile tugging at his mouth. “A plan, a mission, and this time, I’ll do things right”. He zipped up his green jacket and made his way to the public Library. This time he rode slower, because of the wet streets, and since that was the same path Alex would take in case he was already returning from work. John could have waited for him in Hercules’ house, but he wanted the air and cold drops running through his curls. He wanted to breathe the wet aroma of rain, to relax. He also didn’t want to return to just appear on the living room in the dark when Hamilton opened the door, like that cliché scene of the wife waiting awake in the night to catch his husband coming home late and ask him “Honey, where have you been?” in a passive aggressive voice.

“That wouldn’t help me to help him…” He hummed, realizing… “by the way, did I just compared Alex to being my husband?” He was sure now that he did wanted to take care of him like a marital love would, but at the same time, he didn’t want to take advantage of Alexander’s loneliness. Yesterday he wouldn’t have think it that way.

He thought of yesterday and felt old. Like this fight between them had been around for years, and maybe that wasn’t all wrong, maybe Alex had been fighting all this time with himself, and John had just stepped into a legendary battle. He was ready to take Alex’s side.

Off course, having a plan didn’t make things completely easy. He’ll had to choose his words carefully, like Burr told him; and be patient, like Angelica reminded him. He’ll have to be focused and selfless, like Mulligan is; and he’ll have to deal with his unrequited love on his own, with his demons not disturbing Alex, like Jefferson is doing by leaving him. “That’ll be hard” He thought, he knew. His feelings fucked things up more than they already where the last time, but he didn’t want to stop being Alexander's friend just because they couldn’t be more. “I don’t have the bravery of leaving him so things wouldn’t mess up more, like Thomas did…” A motorcycle interrupted his pondering by running fast near him, almost washing him. He braked and wanted to shout a big and sonorous “Fuck You”, but at the moment he preferred to not be disturbed by anything. That’s when another idea came,

“Or was that cowardice?” He understood, watching the shiny road, reflecting the streetlamps. “It is brave to dare to put what’s more important first, like your friend's well being, even if that isn’t the best for you”. He believed that, so he would not think of how he was neglecting his feelings.

He had already chosen Alex over his greedy feelings anyway.

\- FUCK YOU!! -someone shouted at the other side of the corner, interrupting John’s monologue again. He couldn’t see well the figure, but the sound was as familiar as his home. He rode fast until he reached this wet, pathetic little human he loved.

John knew his voices was going to come out shaking with a mix of excitement at the encounter, and also of fear. He didn’t want to just go “Hey, How are you? What a weather!”. They were not like that. He just said the first thing to pop up on his head, the most honest and first though:

\- I also wanted to say fuck you -It sounded steadier than he presumed, but when he saw Alex’s eyes, they were avoiding him, red and tired. John positioned the bike on the floor and walked towards him, tried to reach him, but Alex flinched even before his hand could touch his shoulder. He was wearing some kind of tank top, and his hair was loose and wet, very informal for work. Also… “That smell”. That´s when he realized- You weren’t at work.

They stayed silent for a couple of minutes, more than what Alex would normally be. John curled his back and moved his head, chasing Alex’s stare whenever he dodged it. His face was down, almost ashamed, and John didn’t like it one bit. “It doesn’t fit you”

\- What? -Alex said sharp, shaking involuntary at a rush of air.

John straightened his back- I… -“Again. I said that out loud again, didn’t I?”- I said..I-

His mind became white at a loss for words. He didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything, and just relaxed, doing whatever his instinct told him to do. He undressed.

\- Look, take it -He handed Alex his green jacket.

Alex stood there, ignoring him. “What a headstrong” John thought, and made sure he wouldn’t murmur it. He closed his eyes calmed, “Be patient” and continued- I’m wearing long sleeves anyway, see?

This seemed to convince him, ‘cause he reached and took the jacket slowly, brushing John’s fingers. He quivered. “This is a nightmare”

\- Alex, talk to me -he pleaded, distress climbing from his stomach to his gullet, choking him.

He adjusted the jacket over his head instead of wearing it, closing it with his hands at the neck. Then their eyes met for the first time since yesterday, but this time there was no anger.

However, his words were bitter- Talk to you and then what? See you scolding me? No thanks. -then he whispered downcast- I told you I wanted time.

It may have sound as if Alex preferred not to be there, which would have hurt John, but since Alex stood in front of him, looking like if he was waiting for something, John talked, surer of himself. “I got him”

\- Alex, I won’t ask where you were –John suppressed a “’cause I already know”, understanding how it would aggravate things- But I won’t leave you alone either, let me accompany you.

At this, Alex glowered, surprised and sullen- I won´t go home with _you_.

\- You wanna stay in the rain? -John said wanly.

Alexander huffed and walked across him. John turned static from his position, and stared at how Alex stopped his walking and faced him, beckoning for him. He followed with his bike, the rain was now more of a light drizzle, but he preferred to walk beside him than riding it.

\- Where are we going? -Laurens asked mild. He was somehow happy that Alex was giving in, but his face was unreadable, and John was curious- Home?

\- Yours not -He said taut and way too fast. Looking at John’s hurt, he went on soothed, almost like apologizing- Let´s go to the Trevol Trial.

John couldn’t hide his smile. That made Hamilton a little angry, but he wasn’t sure why. Maybe because deep down he was suppressing a similar feeling of content.

\- I would love that -John said, hopeful.

\- It´s not like if you had an option anyway -Alex stated dark, and glazed even darker when John’s eyes grew bigger with emotion. “That’s so you” John thought, not sure if he should be happy so soon.

But then, he snapped- Alex, we can’t go there now, it’s the middle of the night -Hamilton looked skeptical and rolled his eyes- I’m serious, what if there’s someone weird?

\- Ahg, okay -all his plans were failing, but he wouldn’t admit John was right. Frustrated, he said- last chance, the 7-Eleven.

-That´s perfect -John said quite fast, knowing Hamilton would be mad for how quickly he was gaining hope, so he tried to fix it, obviously nervous- I mean, yeah, cool… whatever.

Alex looked at him quizzically, and John could swear for a thousand chamomiles, and clovers and pistachio madness cakes that he saw a little smile tugging in the right corner of his mouth. He imagined the force Alex had to make to hide it, his face all red, and impulsed by his pride.

He made as if he hadn’t seen anything, so Alex would be comfortable.

They didn’t go to their usual 7-Eleven, since that one is pretty far. They went south, to one that was nearer, but farther from both their houses. They were silent, in a way that resulted natural. After all, this could have been an odyssey for Laurens, but in the end, the wound is still fresh, and Alex is still hurt. So it may not be so easy for them to talk, but the silence between them is naturally comfortable. “Like in the Trevol Trial” he thought, “The only space where I’ve seen Alex so relaxed, so contented in not fighting”. That’s what he wanted for his friend, that he could have the Trevol Trial feeling wherever he goes. That he could get access to that peace no matter the time or space.

After walking ten minutes, the drizzle stopped, but Alex kept the jacket with him; John didn’t ask. They reached a bench right outside the store. Alex sat, even though the wood was damp. He was damped too. John’s inner rich kid automatically made him doubt if he should sit or not, but he knew he had, since in order to get some meaningful talk, two people should sit on the same bench.

\- I’ve been thinking, you know? -Alex started- I know a part of me didn’t want to, so I searched for ways to… not think -He wasn’t ashamed anymore, but there was something in his stare, still out of John’s reach most of the time.

\- I have too, thinking I mean -he said, wishing to make this conversation productive, so he went straight to the point- I’ve been thinking about you.

Alex cringed, and before he could get pained, John talked again,

\- But not because of my confession, I don’t want to talk to you about it, I think everything was clear all along. You didn’t want me, and I respect that, It’s just that… - “I need to stop talking about this, Alex is looking uncomfortable”

He didn’t let him finish- It’s…it’s not that I don’t want you, not exactly. I just… I don’t know, I told you I don’t want to think about it… -talked fast, his mouth set, hiding.

\- It doesn’t matter, okay? I’m not here for that -Off course John would love to hear what Alex had to say about him, but that would lead them nowhere. Not with Alex like this. He remembered the essay in his back, proof of how lost Hamilton was, but thought twice if he should take them out now, or if that would look like he’s nagging him.

He’ll take them later.

\- Alex, I want everything to be okay for –“for us?”- for you.

\- I’m okay -he responded, a little too fast, a little too low.

\- You’re not -John insisted soft, afraid to scold him.

\- I... am-

\- You are not.

\- I am, okay -his voice broke in the last word, and as if his stomach was aching, he involuntarily leaned forward, his brow almost touching John’s. He put an arm around him, almost as an instinct, but at the second Alex felt it lax on his wet back, he straightened and looked angry, truly angry for the first time since their encounter- W-what do you want?

\- What? Alex, listen -“Oh no, this is like yesterday, I gotta to do something”- Alex, sorry, I’m sorry.

 Watching John’s sorrow may have been what put Alex in order, making him less furious, but still…- What do you want? Because, being constantly reminded that you’re crap is not half as nice as you think it is.

\- You are not crap, Alex. I mean, we all have troubles, and I just wanted to tell you that that is normal, and that it gets better if you let your friends help you.

\- Don´t you mean if I let _you_ help me?

\- Why are you so difficult? -John permitted himself say, and it helped ‘cause now Alex was attentive- Off course I want you to let me in.

\- Uh? -Alex huffed, absurdly.

John tired, rolled his eyes- I mean, I’m still your friend, no matter what you say, and… no matter what _I want -_ his voice broke a little at that, dropping the act of the mature guy. “Breathe”- I’ll still love you as my family.

It hurt, it hurt to think it, to say it, and even more to say it to that someone you wish with all your heart you could love in another way. But it needed to be told. Nonetheless, that didn’t stop Laurens from watering his eyes.

When he looked up at Alex, his eyes were cloudy too, and looking at John intensely.

\- I’m scared, John, and I don’t know why -His body, his face, his hands touching it, everything in him looked so vulnerable, and still, he left Laurens unarmed.

\- It´s, it’s okay -John was at a loss for words, again. This little man was so powerful.

“He _is_ powerful” John agreed.

\- In what way does this look okay to you? -Alex said, not mad, actually curious.

\- In the way that you and I come up with the perfect plan, not to solve everything -He was realistic, however optimistic- but to be happy.

For a second a tiny lightning of hope crossed his eyes, but then, he was grey again- Where did things fail? Where did I misstep?

-You did nothing wrong, shit just happens, and we reorganize our life and go on -John wants to reach Alex, but is afraid he’ll recoil like before, so he stays where he is.

\- In short, I’m a mess -he said with a wry smile.

\- Yes -Alex was shocked, like when he said it he didn’t expect John to agree- But, we all are, and that’s okay. What is not okay is to think that we’re crap because of it.

\- That’s easy for you to say… -Alex expressed, bittersweet.

John wouldn’t lose his patience, not now that he got Alex to open, so he said kindly, and leaning a little, almost imperceptible towards him- and why is that?

\- Because you’re great -He stated, as if it was obvious- and you’re chill, and have good grades, and people to rely on, a father that supports you; you have your life in order, you know what to do -like if remembering something he forgot, he added- There’s nothing wrong with you.

John felt something warm inside, his eyes big, his face blushing, but- Oh, Alex –“where to start?”- Thank you, but believe me, I have no idea on what to do most of the time, actually, most of the time I’m so lost and all I can do is try and get my shit together. Oh, and I’m so not chill, I’m always worrying… god, you don’t know how worried I have been since yesterday, so preoccupied we wouldn’t talk anymore. -he confessed, holding his forehead with one hand.

\- You… I’m sorry, Laurens -he laughed, a simple laughter, but still, he looked tired and leaned his back on the bench- What are we doing, then?

\- We’re sharing -John said willingly- and I’m telling you how wrong you are to think that I have everything in order… I’m trying, that’s about all we can do.

\- And tell me, -He said a bit ashamed- how do you organize things?

John was so happy, beaming, not scared that Alex would get mad at that, ‘cause he knows he won’t. He was actually asking him what to do- well, first, you rely on your fam, Herc, Laf. You talk to me when you feel stressed, you know how I like to listen to you.

\- But why would you want that? You have everything in order, I would just, you know, -he sight and looked at the, now, clear sky- fuck it up.

\- You don’t do that. It fucks me up that you won’t trust us -John said, convinced.

\- I do trust you, but I don’t want to be helped and then feel like I owe people favors, you, you know why…

“Off course I know, all his life, nothing has ever been free for him”- You don’t owe anything to the people that love you, lets get that clear, okay? Let’s get clear that Lafayette, that other mess, loves you and trust you so much, and Mulligan? That big guy loves you more than his bloody flowers! And worries a lot, he wouldn’t stop calling me yesterday! And me, to be honest – “Don’t be honest”- I didn’t lie yesterday, I would love something more with you, but if you don’t, I'd rather have this than nothing. Because I love you more than I love whatever we could be.

Alex didn’t take his eyes off him while all his confessions came out. His mouth was a little open and his eyes shiny. “Proud?” John thought he looked, “but of whom?” he couldn’t guess. Then, like if he snapped, his face got grey, and broke the eye contact, talking with melancholy- If you say so… I believe you but, will things be alright between us if this -he beckoned with his hands between them- is not what you want?

\- But I want this -Alex was about to talk again, but John stopped him raising a hand in the air- I know, I know what you mean, but I’ll try not to focus on that, but on knowing that what I have now is enough –John voice shook in that last “enough”. He didn´t believe that he could forget, still, he knew it was the only way for Alex to trust him, and hoped he hadn’t notice the change in his voice.

\- You don’t sound so sure –“Off course he'd noticed”

John fidgeted with his hair, trying to think of a way to convince him, himself too. That’s when the answer arrived- I know.

\- What?

\- I’ll cut my hair -He saw Alex’s quizzical look, and explained- I… I have been wanting to cut it for a while now.

\- But why? -He sounded worried, and John couldn’t suppress a grin, also noticing how he had asked “why”, and not “why haven’t you”.

-It reminds me of how much I like when you touch it, and do those… What are those little dread locks? -John explained with his hands.

Alex huffed amused through his nose- Those are just simple braids.

\- Well, I really like when you do those, and when you lie in my stomach in the park, and when you praise me and… -He could go on and on, embarrased- The thing is that if I let go of those things, I know I can surpass that feeling and concentrate in the now.

He was saying those things more to himself than to anyone, and he hated that a part of him was sad to drop those sweet moments they had. That same part couldn’t stop thinking that things could change in the future, and that in the moment Alex get better, he’ll want John too.

\- John, I don’t want… you don’t have to do that -Alex said weakly, a hint of sadness deep in his throat that John heard. That gave confidence to that part of him that didn’t want to give up. He let it speak up.

\- I’ll be honest -Because he couldn’t keep up with his act anymore- I don’t think I could stop wanting more of you, but today, in this second, this friendship is enough. I don’t know if it’ll be for forever, but for now, I feel extremely happy to just be with you like this. So could we enjoy today, and just see what happens?

Scared of what Alex would say, of what face Alex was pulling, he closed his eyes, waiting for an answer. That’s when he felt arms around him, soft, sweet, wet.

-Thank you –John whispered. With Alex’s face in his cheek there was no need to talk louder. There was no need to talk at all, just let himself sink in that warm feeling, that awkward side hug. He’s eyes were still closed, but that didn’t stop two tiny tears from rolling through his cheeks. “Acceptance, this is how it feels”. Alex’s grip tightened, raising from his sit to be more comfortable hugging, near to be sitting over John. Close enough for John to feel him shiver a little, maybe sobbing. He could never be sure, but he thought that maybe Alex was thinking exactly the same as him.

He retreated after a moment, both hands lying over John’s shoulders. His stare wanting to be strong for what he was about to say, but failing in the moment he contacted John, weak. Nonetheless, weakened he spoke:

\- I’m not sure either if this will be enough for me forever. It’s just that right now, I don’t think I could commit to anything... I-I mean, I do like you but -he started to talk faster, and somehow insecure- I don’t think that this is the best for you or for me and if I really do like you that way… I think your great, but -He was bickering, anxious and vulnerable as John barely ever see him. So he interrupted.

\- Alex, it’s okay -John tried to reassure, stroking Alex’s arm on him.

Alexander took away his hand, annoyed- No, let me finish, -he took a deep breath- What I’m trying to say is that I’m not sure of anything, of how I feel, of what I want… I do want my friend, that’s the only thing that is clear to me now -He explained with an angry voice, even when he didn’t look so. He went on kinder- So I like that plan… let’s be something like friends?

"Something like friends" It was a promise, an assurance that nothing was settle and that things could change. But… “What if nothing changes in the future?”

Alex looked at John with a smile he hadn’t seen in so long… John couldn’t hide beaming too. “Fuck it, things do change”

\- Yeah. Let’s be friends today -John said, sure- or something like that. -He needn’t to ignore how Alex was almost on his lap, because he liked it and he was happy to like it. Most important, he permitted himself to like it, since there was no need to hide his feelings anymore. Alex knew them anyway.

The only thing to do now was wait.


	12. Love is dizzy from sleep.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Alex talk about some things one last time.

_Brup, bruuup_

-What’s that? -John asked after they stared into each other like idiots for a good amount of five minutes, interrupted by the sound of a hungry belly.

Alexander blushed and looked down- My stomach… Hey, hey! Don’t laugh! I haven’t eaten properly lately…

At that John felt almost guilty, knowing how Alexander has been taking little selfcare for the past few months, his shirts hanging loosely, and the purple circles under his eyelids deeper. The bruises inside and out his body… He would definitely invite him to an early breakfast.

Nonetheless, Alex stood back first, and took John’s jacket from his head to put it properly: one hand through one sleeve, the other through the other hole. Grabbed John’s hand to pull and lead him to the 7-Eleven, where the cashier had been looking at them the whole time through the glass door, waiting for them to come in.

\- So, will you cut your hair? -Alexander said without letting go John’s hand-. Or is that useless now?

He had taken his hand just to lead him, so there was no reason for them to keep holding it…­ John looked at them, afraid that he would get his hopes up too fast, too soon. He was scared, and so, he couldn’t help to become withdraw.

-What do you mean that “now” is useless to cut it?

-Now that we are… I don’t know, honest to each other? And also -He cleared his throat, and John seemed to take interest in the cereals shelve, away from looking at Alex and make the moment less awkward- we are comfortable now.

John didn’t put much brain to his election of words, and simply responded, a bit wounded- I didn’t know you were so uncomfortable before -Alex opened his mouth, but John went on- And, I mean, I kept it long ‘cause I knew you liked it, but I think I rather…

-Yeah, your right -Alex corrected himself, snapping and letting go John’s hand-. Do what you like, no matter what others say, not even me, okay?

-Yeah… okay? -John said airlessly. His mind was busy trying to find something else to talk about. He remembered the mess he saw on Alexander’s room… and his essay.

-So, will you cut it? -Hamilton asked impatiently.

John, desperate, took a cup of Noodles angrily and waved it in the air- Ah, Alex, I don’t know, okay? -He composed at the sight of his friend, and tried hard to be tender and less defensive- I’m distracted, sorry… I need to tell you something.

Alexander nodded and looked at him with an affectionate smile. “This will be hard…”- I walked into your room before -Alexander closed his eyes forcefully, and Laurens talked faster- I didn’t meant to! The window was opened, and it was cold and…

 His words decomposed Alexander’s face- Laurens…

-Okay… I’m sorry.

-Why did you enter? Not even Herc does it! -Alex said, his voice calmer than what John had expected.

-I felt a rush of air coming from inside and…-But that wasn’t true, was it? He had to be honest- I was worried, curious… I saw the –“The letter from your mom? -He thought- No, it’s not necessary to mention that, it would cause more problems”. So he decided to go straight-… I saw the essay, that’s… That’s important, and you haven’t finished it, Alex.

He took a few seconds before answering, looking pointedly at John- and you think I don’t care? -he stated, eyes as watery as before, and “He’s sensible again too”, John thought.

-I’m sorry, but you know I don’t have any bad intentions towards you, I just want to make it easier, remember? I’ll help you with it, is in my backpack -John was bold enough to leave the noodles back in the shelve and take his hand again.

Gracefully, Alexander squished it, but- I… I feel glad you’re honest, but I’m also angry- he folded his arms, letting the hand go-. You need to understand that.

\- I understand that, as I understand you’re sad, but that can’t make you regret losing a opportunity so big as this essay…I’ll help you finish it. No, come on, look at me, you can’t drown your thoughts going to a bar… -He took a look at Alexander, scrutinizing his clothes, remembering the odor of his breath- or wherever you were before we ran into each other. Let’s just buy this and go home.

Alexander seemed even more tired as he tried to respond- Let’s go -He was defeated and didn’t put any resistance. John was impressed.

\- Really?

Alex was walking to the exit, and didn’t turned to speak- What? You said “Let’s go home”-he turned just his head by now- so, let’s go home and eat something there.

-I don’t have much food -John responded without thinking how pretentious that must have sound.

Alexander started walking back to the exit- You still have my coffee, right?

Warmed, John followed the exit and, empty handed, looked ashamed at the cashier. Outside, he reached Alexander and walked at the same pace- Coffee is not food.

\- Is enough.

\- It is not… don’t huff, I just said it wasn’t enough, but I have some crackers.

\- Then, what’s the problem?

\- I still don’t think that’s enough…

John would have loved to have Alexander in his apartment, but it would be better for him to go to his own room, so he stopped them walking and decided:

-We better go to Herc’s.

Hamilton, annoying as always, rolled his eyes.

-Herc has real food, plus, is nearer -John remembered.

\- Damn -Alex said, revealing a little smirk and biting his lower lip-, I was really hoping that you would take me on your bike.

At the unexpected humor, John attacked- and, what? You sit on the basket with my sweater wrapped as a cape?

\- Wait, does that mean I’m E.T.?

\- What do you think? -John liked the curse things were taking again, joking, not as if nothing ever happened, but forgiving it somehow.

\- Well, I’m the one who makes the bike fly through the night sky, you forgot to mention that.

\- Well, I’m not the one who abandons his friend at the end of the movie, you forgot to mention that -John didn’t say it to offend, but to make sure he could joke about that too.

\- Hey…-Alex smiled sweetly and pushed John’s shoulder with his own-. All right, let’s go to Herc’s.

John took his bike, guiding it through the handles. He considered offering Alexander to ride it if he wanted, but he declined the possibility, assuming that the joke before was other of his random ways of apologizing, and not that he truly wanted to ride his bike.

The short walk was quiet, just what Laurens needed to organize some thoughts, like how was he supposed to tell Hamilton about Jefferson? Or how he would confront him next time he abuses with the alcohol, or again with the smoking? Worse, was John strong enough to see Alex all beaten up some accidental night? Could he forgive him again and again?

His hands brushed Alex’s, hidden behind his sleeves. The air was cold, with the glorious smell of the after rain, and the quiet street, with the glowing and clear stars above, gave John some hope that he should follow his own advice “Just live this day and see what happens”.

It was easier to give advices.

Ignoring the chatting inside his head, his eyes decided to admire Alex for a second, recalling that they have the right to do so, that Alexander himself gave them his permission to love him. He was in deep conversation with someone inside his head too, you could tell by the way his eyebrows inclined and his stare was so determined to see something in the distance. John took great appreciation in the tiny aperture of his mouth, breathing and letting go his warmth, visibly in the air. Suddenly, Alexander turns his head and catches John.

-I, I… -he tries to excuse.

Alex beams and John can’t help himself but doing exactly the same.

They reach home in a journey that seemed beautifully and tortuously long.

Inside, Alexander rushes upstairs, but as he sees John unmovable from the living room, he calls him, beckoning with his hands. John is behind him in seconds, walking slowly and quietly. Through Herc’s door he catches a glimpse of him sleeping in the same position he saw before, “He could be dead”, he thought, but the snorts told the opposite. He feels a hand on his arm, and reads Alexander’s silent voice “follow me”, then he directions to his room, and even though John entered before, entering with permission makes him feel honorable, especial, even worthy.

Off course, that doesn’t change the state of chaos the room is in, but at least is a start.

Once Alexander closes the door, John is turning on the lights. He’s standing awkwardly in the middle, and Alex feels his waiting for a command. He sits on his bed and pats the mattress beside him. He was right, because John follows his instructions and sits next to him. The door is closed, they could talk, but none of them seems to remember how to. John takes his back pack and pull out his stolen pages. That made Alex remember some words:

\- Well, these are a disaster.

\- No, come on, you know they are great, we just need to make it better, and we have the whole night -John talked doubtful, looking at his watch “1:53 a.m.”- Well, at least until tomorrow morning.

Alex gave him a disheartening look.

John wouldn’t take it- which is enough time. -He looked at the computer in front of them- can I sit there? I can write, all you have to do is dictate me. I can also do research to deepen into some topics.

Ashamed, Alexander spoke- You really don’t have to do this, you're tired. Sleep a bit, I can manage.

\- Oh, don’t give me that -John said-. I know you can manage, I know you can make the best essay and that you’ll get the greatest grade and that Washington will be so proud of you and you of yourself; I know you can do it but let me help you. You are sleepy too… no, don’t try to convince me otherwise, I saw your eyes closing before. Look, if we do this together, we’ll finish before, and if that means you get to sleep a bit, I’m willing to do it, okay?

Laurens knew that things like this are hard for Hamilton to accept, things like getting help from others, but Alexander promised just less than an hour ago he’ll try to trust John, to receive his help. He tried hard when he spoke:

\- I, thank you. I’m relieved, actually. This shit has been weighting in my shoulders for enough…

\- I know…-John wondered, “there’s too many things you’re carrying”.

John sat on the desk, while Alexander changed his wet clothes. He put some pants he found on the floor and sat again on his bed, dictating his writing to John and adding some things that came to mind. Now and then John would ask him if he could inquire into a topic, as he said before, and they would reach some conclusion of it. In the passing time, Alexander got comfortable on his bed, and slid his legs under the blanket. Warm and dizzy from sleep, Laurens turned his head to see behind him once Alex had stopped talking. John turned off the lights and kept writing, trying not to get distracted by the sweet lullaby his snorts were, trying not to think about how he didn’t make him anything to eat, trying not to think about anything and just finish the sentence. He stood up to take the last page of the essay from Alex’s bed, and when he reached the page, a grab on his hand startled him.

\- Hey!

\- Hey -said a sleepy voice.

\- I thought you were sleeping.

Alexander stood on his shoulders quickly- Sorry! I know shouldn’t…

\- No, it’s okay -John had to stop him there-, there’s just one page left anyway, I can manage.

\- Off course you can -Alex responded, still half dozed and closing his eyes again-. But I should really keep going.

\- Please, it’s just one page, you can proof read it before class if that’s what’s worrying you.

Only a soft nod was his answer.

Before Alexander could lay his head in the hands of Morpheus, John remembered, talking smoothly- You never ate anything, do you want me to bring something? -He thought proposing to bring Laf’s cake, but first, desert wasn’t the best idea for almost 6 in the morning, and second, the piece left was probably Herc’s. “Still, there’s not much food here either, we would have been better buying things at the store before”.

However, Alexander didn’t respond, and that put all the debate in John’s head to an end.

…

At exactly 6:26 a.m., John finished the whole essay, he even proof read it, so Alexander wouldn’t worry too much, so much. They both had classes at 8, so that gave him some time to rest. He wondered if it was proper to sleep in his bed, but they had sleep beside each other before and he was exhausted, so gently he rested his body in the mattress, scared of waking him up.

He wasn’t gently enough.

\- John?

\- Yes? -He was behind Alex, facing his back and wondering if he was speaking with his eyes closed.

\- I’m not seeing Thomas anymore.

"Why is he telling me this now? -was the first thing he thought-. Was he thinking about it instead of sleeping? Did he had a prophetic dream?". John was dizzy from lack of sleep too, getting all the craziest ideas at the mention of Alex's statement. He felt lucky and weird out. That meant he didn’t have to explain him how Jefferson wouldn’t see him anyway, still, he knew he had to tell Alexander, sure of how he would hate him if he found out John already knew about it. Nonetheless, this was not the time to talk about it.

\- Well, we can talk about it later, we still have some time to rest.

\- John? -for the way Alex talked, Laurens knew he wouldn't rest a bit.

\- Alexander?

\- Ain’t you happy for that? -His voice all drunk in sleep again.

John had closed his eyes already, but he answered anyway- I’m sure you’re smart enough to know how I’m feeling about it, you just want to hear me say it.

\- You’re smart enough to come to that conclusion -John heard his voice clearer, and his breath near his chin, so he supposed Alex had turned to face him.

\- Well, I can tell you that I’m happy for you, I’m sure is for the best.

A hand caressed his jaw, and John made a big effort to keep his eyes shut.

-You know I love you, right?

 At that, John had to open his eyes- What?

\- You know what I said, and I do know I have to clear all this shit in my head before having any relationship, but I’m happy you’re there.

Laurens shut his eyes hardly; he was too sleepy, and not ready for this conversation. Still, Alexander went on:

\- However, I know how toxic this relationship could get -he made a pause, and they took a deep breath-. You’re so sweet, John. And caring, and you like cleaning peoples shit, and helping to organize messes, and worrying for them… and that’s a place I’m afraid I could get too comfortable in.

\- I don’t get it -John said, broken and wishing Alexander could turn back and stop facing him and his stupid tears.

But he didn’t move, he didn’t shake Alex’s hands from his face, cleaning his cheeks. He just stayed there and listened.

\- I love you, please believe that -his voice was broken too, but he wasn’t crying-. And I want to be with you, but not yet, not now.

\- Why are you so afraid? What’s the worst that could happen? -John said angry, even when he knew the answer.

\- That I don’t get to grow out of that pity hole once I’ve been in. That’s the only way I had survived all things in my life! Moving on, knowing that I only have myself.

\- You have me -John said in a miserable whisper.

Alexander came closer to him, almost pressing foreheads- That’s the thing, I know I do, and a part of me feels extremely comfy for that, but this is a thing I need to do by myself -He inhaled and added in a murmur-. You don’t get to grow where you’re comfortable.

\- I know that -“And thanks for the Coelho quote” he thought. He was frustrated (and sleepy)-. What I don’t get is what difference would it be with some distance between us?

Some seconds passed before Alex answered, squishing his cheeks- that we can learn to be together, me knowing that I have someone waiting for me at the top, and you trusting me that I can climb it alone…, and knowing that you don’t have to dig into other’s pity holes to help them. All I need is -this time, he did press his forehead to Laurens’s- to know that you love me, that you’re there.

Some more tears escaped John’s eyes, and Alexander started to worry:

\- Hey, talk to me…

“Funny -John thought, dizzy- I was begging you exactly the same just hours before”. Still, he didn’t want to put resistance as Alex did, he didn’t want to fight because deep inside, he knew every word coming from Alex’s mouth was exactly what he believed too.

\- That was… -John started, slow and with the tong heavy.

\- What?

\- The last part, that was the… cheesiest thing someone has ever said to me.

His eyebrows inclined- Again, what? -Alex couldn’t match John’s wry smile with his “joke”. He was simply confused.

\- That’s my way of trying to… accept this. You’re right, ‘bout all -he was too tired, and the words came out without much thought-. You’re absolutely right ‘bout the part that I love you.

Alex chuckled, visibly more woken than Laurens. He loved his laughter, and with eyes closed, and mind slowly shutting, he said one more time:

\- …and that’s the cheesiest thing I have ever said...

Laurens is sure Alexander kept talking, kept asking him if he was willing to take the distance in their relationship in order to grow. But he couldn’t listen anymore, and honestly, didn’t care either. Maybe a part of him believed that was the right thing to do, but other part, more awoken while we sleep, told him to screw everything, told him that he had never been in love before like this, and that he didn’t know how love would actually work. That was his dreamy side speaking.

But the heart is not a thing of the mind.

And Laurens and Hamilton love making plans.

They love the thinking process and sensible things.

And they don’t know how love works.

What happened afterwards, is what happens in life, nothing as the plan was supposed to go. Maybe Laurens and Hamilton’s subconscious knew this, and therefore planned to keep some distance in order to do exactly the opposite and get near each other, accept each other, and find out that growth is something you do alone, yes, but that love doesn’t make it harder.

Not selfless love, at least.

"Was this selfless love?"

Laurens and Hamilton did’t care anymore, they just lived one day at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... that's the cheesiest thing I've ever written.  
> And I enjoyed doing it, this was supposed to be even shorter, but it turned out okay to me.  
> And this was my way of telling that love is not a thing we can plan. It just happens, or not. And if it happens, there's no way to stop it, is masochistic to do that.  
> Just relax and let things happen.  
> Thank you for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> Please enjoy and tell me what you think! Leave a Kudo here, a Kudo there...It really makes my day! Oh, and also comment!


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